. God's response, or non-reSponse. We must also, of course, be prepared for disappointment; granting the possibil~ ity that God answers some prayers al? lows that God may not answer mine. lhyikra also reminds us to seek con- tinuity between our life inside the syn- agogue and outside it. The words of prayer are hollow if they do not reflect the actions of a life lived in God?s ser- POLITICAL vice. True, we sometimes approach God in prayer precisely because our life has not been godly and we wish it to be so; we must still know that God demands acts that give substance to our words. But all the explanations above do not mean that we can read the story of Nadab and Abihu, indeed the entire bloody catalog of sacrifices, without 3 Opening the Family Closet Shudder of terror. On the contrary, life everywhere is fraught with horror and danger. Our sanctuaries can only serve us, as Michael has noted, if we allow terror to enter there as well; for the sanctuary can teach us to face that terror and thereby to live with it in peace. Cl Gad Horowitz any years from now when I look hack on the history of my relation? ship with my daughter, three moments will stand out in sharp relief: the joyous moment of her Bat itzvah, the very sad moment of her father?s death?my hus- hand?s death?and the moment just a few weeks ago when she said to me: ?Ma, I ?m a leshian. My only child, only eigh- teen years old. What shocks and upsets me most is not that she?s a leshian, hut my own inahility to simply accept this. Since I was a youngster I ?ve heen socially and politically progressive. I have had les- hian friends. I have challenged expres- sions of homophobia. If anyone had asked me: What would you say if your daughter turned out to he a leshian? I would have responded sincerely that it would make no dz?erence to me. But it does make a dz?erence. I keep thinking: My only daughter will never have a hoyfriend, she?ll never get mar- ried, she?ll never have children, I ?ll never have grandchildren, she?ll he lost to our people. And I keep thinking.- mayhe she?s not a leshian. Isn?t it true that at her age homosexual impulses and even homosexual experiences don?t necessarily mean she is a leshian? Shouldn?t she he encouraged not to come to any conclusions ahout her sex- Gad Horowitz teaches political science at the University of Toronto and is a practic- I'?g Questions and corre? spondence can he addressed to him at the Department of Political Science, I 00 St. George St, Toronto, Ontario N551A I . ual orientation until she?s older? And I keep thinking, would this have hap- pened if her father were still living? Could this he a manifesta- tion of mourning, involving an uncon- scious fixation on her father, or an unconscious decision never to rely on the presence hig act, pretend- ing everything is OK. I try to ignore it, I try not to think ahout it. It really is OK, hat I do keep thinking these things. Why can ?t I stop thinking these things? ou can't stop thinking these things because you are not perfect. ?Homophobia? has been an essential featureofJewish, Christian, and Muslim culture for hundreds of years. Only in the past few decades has it been pos- sible for people who are sexually attract- ed to their own gender to come out and say proudly or matter-of?factly am a lesbian? or am a gay man.? These new identities are emerging out of the struggle of every single homosexual person with his or her internalized homophobia. Why should the mother of one of those persons be exempt from the struggle? These things you are thinking are not simply homophobic nonsense; they deserve to be thought through, to be treated respectfully, and to be put in perspective. It?s true that at her age homosexual desires and actions don?t necessarily mean fixed identity as a les- bian. However, it?s even more true that at her age heterosexual desire and behavior wouldn?t necessarily mean she?s heterosexual. After all, she has been raised from babyhood in an exclusively heterosexual world, com- pletely surrounded by heterosexual imagery, heterosexual language, and heterosexual models. Yet, if she had said to you: ?Ma, I?m a heterosexual,? would you have thought: maybe she?s not heterosexual, maybe she?s simply mirroring the behavior she sees all around her? The reason this would not have occurred to you is that our cul- ture is not simply homophobic; it is heterosexist. Only exclusive heterosex- uality is assumed to be natural and normal. Homophobia?actual aver- sion to homosexuality?is just one extreme manifestation of heterosex- ism. There is no good reason why young homosexuals should be expect- ed, any more than young heterosexu- als should, to shun any conclusions about their sexual orientation until they are older. As a matter of fact, per- sons of all ages need not come to any final conclusions about their sexual orientation at any time. The more we question heterosexist presuppositions, the more normal homosexuality becomes not only for identified homosexuals, members of the ?gay nation,? but for everyone. It?s already clear that the ?homosexual- heterosexual? polarity is a terrible sim- plification imposed on a complex and fluid reality. It fails to adequately describe not only homosexuals and heterosexuals, but also people who are simultaneously homosexual and her- erosexual in various ways and various degrees (?concurrent bisexuals?), peo- ple who alternate between homosexu- 69 ality and heterosexuality (?sequential bisexuals?), and people who have very little interest in sex (maybe that can be normal too!). And people can move from one of these positions to another several times or many times during their lifetimes. Would your daughter be a lesbian if her father were still alive? Is her les- bianism merely a manifestation of something else, having to do with the loss of her father? I would suggest that issues relating to mourning may well call for your attention, and that these issues ought to be considered entirely separate from the matter of sexual ori- entation. Since Freud we have been taught to question every conscious motive, to treat all motives as disguises for something deeper, less conscious, often less praiseworthy. We have been taught to ruminate endlessly (Freud himself called it ?analysis inter- minable?) about why we want this and not that, why we behave thus and not otherwise. Maybe that?s what Freud meant when he said to Jung, en route to New York to introduce ysis to the Americans, ?Little do they know we bring them the plague.? investigation and spec- ulation, interesting and productive as they may sometimes be theoretically (and even clinically), have for almost a century raised cultural prejudices and taboos to the level of Scientific Truth. Homosexuality is an ?arrest of devel- opment? or a ?disorder.? The clitoral orgasm is a sure sign of ?immaturity.? A baby is a ?compensation? for the missing phallus. Young revolutionaries are ?fixated? in the Oedipus complex. But the only truth in these matters is our ignorance. Nobody really knows why people are heterosexual or homo- sexual, have different kinds of orgasms, make babies, and try to change the world. We do know that people have an incredibly powerful tendency to stigmatize those who are different in any remarkable way. Some might find a connec- tion between the death of the father in this case and lesbianism. Others might not. The former position would deny the validity of your daughter?s revela- tion of her lesbianism: she?s not really lesbian, she?s really just reacting to the death of her father. thinking deserves to disappear unless it stops putting itself in the service of sexism and heterosexism. If your daughter had announced that she was going steady with a man, the question 70 TIKKUN VOL. 6, No. 2 of a connection with the death of her father would not have come to mind?? unless the man were too young, too old, belonged to the wrong religion or ethnic group, or were otherwise unacceptable. Sexual orientation is a mystery, one among many mysteries which require no explanation unless we are seeking to control or destroy them. We don't know and we don?t need to know why someone is hetero? sexual or homosexual. It would be more helpful in many cases to ask why someone is afraid of homosexuality, or heterosexuality, or voluntary celibacy, or any perennial aspect of the human condition. If you feel that there is some message for you about your family his- tory in your daughter?s lesbianism, it?s up to you to decide whether and how to clarify that message without invali- dating her lesbian desire. Persons of all ages need not come to any final conclusions about their sexual orientation at any time. Even if your daughter never has a boyfriend and never gets married she may still choose to have children; and even if she becomes totally heterosexu- al at some point in her life she may choose not to have children. I think that this part of your question comes out of the sadness you feel when you see that your daughter?s way of life may be very different from yours. For many thousands of years, parents have been pouring their lives into their chil- dren and in this way trying to attain a kind of immortality. If we are child- less, or if our children do not replicate and perpetuate our own identities and ways of life, it is almost as if they have died, and with them essential parts of ourselves. Jewish parents, even in these times, might ?sit shiva? if a child di- verges too far from the paths accept? able to them. Whether she has chil- dren or not your daughter may not replicate your way of life, or that of your family, or that of the Jewish peo- ple, sexually speaking. But we should remember that it is not gay people who have separated themselves from the Jewish family and the Jewish commu- nity; it is the Jewish family that has excluded its gay sons and daughters. It?s time to realize that the exclusion- ary nature of many of our traditional identifications is narcissistic and idol- atrous, confusing adherence to God?s will and teachings of the Torah with self-perpetuation. Heterosexism need beno more necessary an aspect ofJewish identity than animal sacrifice and the subjugation ofwomen. In these times the Jewish people are called to liberate the sense ofself so that it is no longer captured by any rigid forms. We are called to expand our personal, family, and national-religious identities so that they include those who have hitherto been excluded. This is particularly dif- ficult when it is a matter of sexual prac- tice which is often so closely bound to our deepest images of Ourselves. But you can?t not think about it. If you try to ignore it, you exclude yOur daughter, and you perpetuate the conflict within yourself between your old identities and this new unintegrated identity: motherof a lesbian. Therefore, be brave: do think about it, but more completely, and in a new way: Picture in your mind?s two women whom you could admire or respect, making love. Then let one of them be your daughter. Dwell with these images until you feel comfortable with them. Then again be brave: imag- ine what it might have been like for you to have been in love with a woman, until you are comfortable with that. You will have extended your sense ofself into those images. You will have expanded your identity, and resolved the conflict within yourself. Nor should this process stop with your own inner conflict. A gay psy- chotherapist and community activist in Toronto, Jeff Kirby, has initiated a project called Letters from Home. The idea is to ask gay people all across Canada to get their families to write to the Canadian government to say: ?This is my This is my This is my This is my This is my cousin and I demand that they be treated and seen as equal because they are part of my family.? Kirby says: am asking gay peOple to take ownership of themselves as family and to offer the opportunity for their families to own them in a way that could be pivotal for the inclusion of gay people in family status.? Conser- vative groups ?only see family as they want to see it, not as it really is.? Your sons and daughters are reaching out to you. The response must go beyond pretending it?s OK and trying not to think about it. Cl