WWW.THEAUSTRALIAN.COM.AU THE HEART OF THE NATION NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 1967 FULL CREDIT TO THE BOYS PRIMESPACE {12} COLLEGE FIRE SALE $2.70 THURSDAY October 27, 2016 WHO WON THIS WEEK? {15} PRICE INCLUDES GST FREIGHT EXTRA ‘DON’T BLAME GPS FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT’ HIGHER EDUCATION {11} RUPERT MURDOCH DEAD AT 85 THE END OF AN ERA: 1931-2016 SARAH MURDOCH BREAKING REPORTER Media mogul Rupert Murdoch has died aged 85. The Australian-born businessman passed away peacefully in his New York mansion on Wednesday night, surrounded by his family and close friends. Murdoch is best known as the founder and chairman of News Limited and its successors, News Corp and 21st Century Fox. It is understood he died following a long-term battle with a rare venous disease, caused by an excess of power running through his veins. He is survived by his wife of seven months, Jerry Hall, five children and four step-children. Murdoch was born Keith Rupert Murdoch in Melbourne on March 11, 1931. The son of Keith Arthur Murdoch, a former editor of the Australian Herald and Weekly Times newspaper, he began his career in the 1950s and 1960s acquiring a number of newspapers across Australia and New Zealand. In 1969, he expanded his business to the UK, taking over the News of the World, and then The Sun. In the 1980s Murdoch purchased both 20th Century Fox and HarperCollins. By 2000, News Corporation owned over 800 companies in more than 50 countries. Despite the immense size of his $16 billion empire, run through the Murdoch Family Trust, his businesses have been relatively scandal-fre– … Oh my god. I don’t know what to say right now. I’m feeling a bit sick about this... No, I’m so sorry about this. Oh my god, I don’t know what to say. This was a complete accident. It’s some other old geezer called Rupert. I’m so sorry. It’s just some other 85-year-old man called Rupert who’s died. I’m so sorry. It was fed to me wrong. Oh my god. This is what happens when you have breaking news, folks. ‘I would rather be beheaded by ISIS than slightly modify my language’ ANDREW BOLT DAILY TELEGRAPH CORRESPONDENT Human Rights Commission accused of ‘outrageous bias’ against rights abuses HUGH ENRIGHTS PEN LICENSEE How surprising to find many journalists of the Left supporting individual freedom when it suits them? They say that Muslims should be allowed to practise their religion in the street, forcing women to cover their heads and beheading people at their whim. Where were they when I was in the courts, defending myself against the oppressive restrictions of s 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act? I don’t know. But, let me tell you: I would rather be beheaded by ISIS than modify my language in the slightest. I would rather be dragged through the streets of Mosul, than write content which is not in breach of a federal statute designed to protect minority groups from oppression. I don’t want any kind of “trigger warning”, not even a triggerwarning when ISIS hold a gun to my head. Our world is too coddled with these “safe spaces,” but you forget the world is not safe. I hear local councils are celebrating ‘Tolerance Day’ (thanks to readers John of Rydalmere and Paul of Asquith), a day in which communities are supposed to just accept the religious and ethnic backgrounds of their neighbours. What a load of PC crock. Stone ‘em, I say. Lawyers for The Australian have accused the Human Rights Commission of consistent and outright bias against racial discrimination, sex discrimination and other things it’s the Commission’s job to call out. Much of the criticism focuses on an 18C complaint made against Bill Leak. Both Leak’s solicitor & barrister have suggested the Australian Human Rights Commission is guilty of opposing racist depictions of Indigenous Australians. Many of Leak’s supporters have accused Australian Human Rights Commission President, Gillian Triggs, of playing politics with the welfare of children, evident in her insistence that all children enjoy the Convention on the Rights of Children. A staff member at The Australian has correctly pointed out that Triggs is clearly biased against abuses of human rights. “She is blatantly in favour of not committing any violations of human rights at all, not even if they are committed in whimsical cartoons with funny captions. “Triggs is biased against all forms of harassment, and that is clearly not showing balance from all sides,” the intelligent staff member told The Australian yesterday as we stood by the water cooler. Leak’s barrister has also expressed concern that this bias could affect Trigg’s judgment on issues like asylum seekers and refugees. “If Triggs so clearly hates racism, what is she going to say about Nauru and the refugees?” He told The Australian. “She will clearly be biased against our nation’s racist prison island and all it’s human rights abuses. Is that the kind of leader we want in this country?” Triggs was approached for comment but was too busy being a harpy-lady with a leftist agenda. INSIDE Leftie loonies push for international violence leave THE NATION P3 Historically fractured UN unites to deny women Sec-Gen WORLD P5 AP Trigger happy Student paper flawlessly rips off The Australian CAP NORRIS TYPOGRAPHY INTERN Ten students from the University of Sydney have endeavoured to mock the country’s biggest selling national newspaper, The Australian, in the final edition of their campus rag. The students, outcasts of Sydney University’s otherwise elite cohort, cited The Australian’s ‘racist’, ‘sexist’, ‘homophobic’, ‘transphobic’, ‘ableist’ and ‘classist’ history as the reason for their takedown. More credible sources report that the students may just be pipsqueaks with too much time on their hands. “The Australian’s content was the easiest bit of it to rip off,” said one of the students. “It tends to be fairly predictable bullshit written by old rich white men on the brink of death.” The students remarked that while the paper’s design was both illogical and inconsistent, that made it more fun to parody. “This is why voluntary student unionism was a good idea and we need to abolish the student services amenities fee,” said a regular reader of The Australian. It is questionable whether the students will actually pull off a fresh parody of the paper, given every leftist man and his dog makes tired jokes about the fascist broadsheet. “We’re upset that they didn’t choose to parody Mon Droit,” $2.70 ESDAY6 WEDN r 26, 201 Octobe UDES GST INCL A PRICE EXTR FREIGHT 56 GPS AR 19 AME SAULT’ E YE ’T BL AS F TH ‘DONSEXUAL ER O {11} SPAP ION FOR NEW UCAT ER ED HIGH IT CRED S FULLHE BOY TO T TION E NA F TH RT O HEA THE 5} K? {1 M.AU WEE N.CO THIS 2} IA {1 AL WON CE USTR WHO ESPA .THEA PRIM WWW AT EAD D H C URDO M T R RUPE EGE COLLSALE FIRE THE END OF AN ERA: 85 16 1931-20 H RDOC RTER AH MU SARAKIN G REPO h has Murdoc Rupert mogul inessMedia d 85. orn bus lly in died age Australian-b peacefu sday The ed away Tue ily sion on man passYork man by his fam his Newsurrounded the night, e friends. known asNews best clos and rdoch is irman of News Mu and cha essors, . founder and its succ foltury Fox Limited a he died 21st Cen erstood battle with an Corp and -term caused by It is und a long through lowing ous disease, running ven er rare of pow wife ofexcess s. by his chil his veinis survived y Hall, five Jerr He n. months, step-childre Keith seven four was born rne on and bou dren rdoch h in Mel Mu Murdoc MurRupert 11, 1931. th Arthur AusMarch son of Kei or of the es The er edit Weekly Tim er a form doch, Herald and an his careng uiri tralian er, he beg 0s acq ss and 196 ers acro newspap spap 1950s in the ber of new Zealand. busia num a and New anded his r the Australi 9, he exp ng ove In 196 UK, taki and then ld, the to Wor ness of the h purNews . 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The animal, a Chinese Goose, jumped from its seat on the Coalition backbench and headed straight for the door, waking many local members from their sleep as it flapped past. Sparking great pandemonium among a visiting Year 6 school tour, the goose continued to fly around the building before finding its way into the open air. It performed two laps of State Circuit, eventually exiting north along Commonwealth Avenue, seemingly determined to escape Australia’s most boring inland city. MORE ON P5 Millennials kick up fuss about smashed avo, miss the point entirely BERNARD SALT BOOMER DEMAGOGUE Several Gen Y publications have shared articles defending smashed avocado in response to the article “Moralisers, we need you!” published by The Australian last week. Yet again, the left-wing media misinterpreted the work of talented writer, Bernald Salt, and failed to approach discussions about the housing crisis with any nuance. Too many readers failed to understand the satire, and as a result, they have proven how naive and illiterate they really are. The youth of today have countered every rational argument put forward by the secret society of Middle-Aged Moralisers with immature and childish “thinkpieces”, and it is obvious to numerous sources that Bernald Salt is correct and these Millennials are bad. Cafes have even gone as far to offer discounts on the smash avocado dish. This is the most extreme case of naivety ever paraded as a political act. If these millennial café renters had read the article they would have realized that it’s not just the avocado that traps Millennials into a financial hardship. These millennials have strawmanned the avocado brunch option and claimed there are even more barriers to entering the housing market than the green fruit. That’s when they miss the point. The Australian’s article did, in fact, mention many of the other barriers to homeownership. It’s not just the avocados; it’s every single brunch item. It’s the ricotta pancakes, the corn fritter stack, the smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel, the poached eggs with a side of expensive cheese like haloumi, it’s the cold press juice on the side, the extra large mocha with soy milk, it’s the breakfast burrito wrap, the lunch burrito wrap, the sourdough French toast, the Bircher muesli, and the cinnamon porridge with soaked fruits. Continued on Page 9 ‘INSTAGRAM’ The “corn fritter stack” known comrade of “muesli” 2 THE NATION THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au Pauline Hanson tells Muslim Australians to ‘love it or build new nation underground’ YOUR NATION KRIS MANN INTRODUCING PAID WRITER Mother Nature shows off her Great Barrier pearly whites AAP ‘Second-Cousin Killer’ Liberal staffer caught runs out of victims editing Hansard with post-plebiscite fanfic SOUTH AUSTRALIA: Famed SA “Second-Cousin Killer”, Tyler Jameson, ran out of victims last Tuesday after murdering his last remaining second cousin at a family event in Adelaide. Jameson’s last victim became the 31st second cousin to be killed in a series of tragic, yet somewhat unsurprising family murders. Jameson started murdering his second-cousins once he left home at 16. He has not yet been caught by police, but his family members are relieved there are no more second-cousins to kill. WA government stimulates economy with massive vibrator WESTERN AUSTRALIA: Under-utilised mining equipment will be repurposed as a “massive vibrator” to stimulate the economy in the wake of the recent resources sector slowdown. The Minister for Mines and Petroleum announced Monday that the plan was just to “keep drilling real hard and hope for the best”. The decision comes after a dry spell in economic action, with labour market frictions causing tension through the state. ‘Pics or it didn’t happen’: NT ministers ask to be briefed only in GIFs NORTHERN TERRITORY: Both Liberal and Labor members of the Northern Territory Legislative Assembly have asked to be briefed exclusively in GIFs, videos and pictures for all future matters. This decisions follows the Royal Commission into Don Dale, and criticisms that NT politicians failed to act when they read accounts of the atrocities in reports. Northern Territory Chief Minister Michael Gunner told the Australian, “We knew about the Don Dale drama from written reports we were given a few years back, but we didn’t understand the words until we saw the same words but in pictures and videos.” APOLOGY We wish to apologise for all previous editions of The Australian. Since July 14 1964 editorial decisions were made each Monday through Saturday that led to the production and printing of a newspaper. This was an error. We deeply regret that this error occurred so frequently throughout the years. Once was despicable, 16,179 times is unforgivable. We acknowledge our insist- INDEX WORLD P4-5 COMMENTARY P6-7 ARTS P8 ACT: An unnamed Liberal staffer has been accused of replacing official Hansards with highly realistic fanfiction set in a world after the same-sex marriage plebiscite. The swap was discovered earlier this week, when Bill Shorten opened the Hansards to re-read his zingers in Question Time only to find them replaced with a lengthy marriage proposal to Malcolm Turnbull. An excerpt of fanfic was read out in Parliament and featured lines including “rim me, Daddy” and “the long, veiny member quivered with slick anticipation”. Shorten refused to comment on whether he was disappointed that Turnbull declined his offer. Great Barrier Reef ‘looking fantastic’ to the colourblind QUEENSLAND: The colourblind population of Australia have been among the first invited to visit the Great Barrier Reef since PeroxyChem’s multi-million dollar investment in the reef’s redevelopment. Fourteen of the most colourblind Australians have commented that the reef is both “dazzling” and “really full of coral”. The Minister for the Environment and Energy, Josh Frydenberg, told the Australian he “can’t wait” to see the new Great Barrier Reef. “I am proud of all the work Adani and Peroxychem have put into the area, and I hope it all pays off.” Commbank app kills mother of three NSW: In the latest app-related murder, a mother of three is now dead after attempting to transfer money via the Commbank app. Julie, 37, was in the process of entering her BSB number when she stepped out into traffic and was hit by a bus. A NSW Police spokesperson expressed his condolences this morning and warned the public to seriously consider the danger of apps. He attempted to demonstrate this danger using his iPhone but was unable to work out how to unlock the phone without swiping. ent publication represents a catastrophic failure of judgement on the part of many over the years, our proprietor most of all. Untold damage has been done to the lives of women, Indigenous peoples, refugees, students, the working class, sharks and avocados. The intellectual and environmental health of our nation has suffered greatly. Our democracy cannot be resuscitated, but back issues can be pulped. They should be. BUSINESS P9 HIGHER ED P10-11 PRIMESPACE P12 DEFENCE P13 MEDIA P14 SPORT P15 In a somewhat softer position on migrant Australians, One Nation senator Pauline Hanson has gone on record to say that Muslims must love Australia and its true blue racism, or build a new nation underground. During a press conference on Friday afternoon, Ms Hanson aired her new position with the defence that “it might be hard for these Muslims to leave Australia completely, but if they lived underground and built mud mosques, we wouldn’t have to see them or share with them.” Hanson also went on to say she is happy to change her party name to One-and-a-Half Nations, if this underground Muslim city works. Ms Hanson seemed to have softened her position after finally eating a halal snack pack (HSP) when a petition urging her to do so reached one million signatures last week. Fellow One Nation senator, Malcolm Roberts, has said kebab shops can stay in Australia, as long The McHanson as the Muslims making the packs stay underground. “We can still live in a nation with halal snack packs and underground Muslims. From what I understand living underground is not Haram,” he said. Despite calls from the Muslim community, Ms Hanson told The Australian she has no plans to move her own party underground. “We are open to One-and-aHalf Nations living in Australia, because of the Halal snack packs, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF COUNTRY We acknowledge the traditional custodians of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. The University of Sydney – where we write, publish and distribute Honi Soit – is on the sovereign land of these people. As students and journalists, we recognise our complicity in the ongoing colonisation of Indigenous land. In recognition of our privilege, we vow to not only include, but to prioritise and centre the experiences of Indigenous people, and to be reflective when we fail to. We recognise our duty to be a counterpoint to the racism that plagues the mainstream media, and to adequately represent the perspectives of Indigenous students at our University. We also wholeheartedly thank our Indigenous reporters for the continuing contribution of their labour to our learning. encouraging members to throw mud and sand at Hanson, with one MP even commenting that he not opposed to filling Hanson’s seat in the Senate with mud and dirt. The Australian expects many instances of mud slinging from both sides. Hanson’s comments have spurred discussions about the limits of racism in Australia, with experts claiming, “It will all be tolerated as long as millennials on the Internet can make memes and jokes about racism.” i’m lovin’ it or leavin’ it Mike Baird reverses Chris Kenny dog fucking ban JESSICA O’SHEA NSW POLITICS REPORTER Animal rights activists were outraged today as NSW Premier Mike Baird overturned a long-standing dog sex ban on Australian columnist Chris Kenny, days after backflipping on greyhound racing. The Kenny ban has been in effect since a 1945 act of Parliament under then-Prime Minister Frank Forde. In 2013, it returned to prominence after a skit on the ABC’s The Hamster Decides. Baird told reporters that while everyone didn’t necessarily endorse Kenny’s proclivities, there was community sentiment to give him one more chance. He denied the reversal was damaging his reputation for political conviction, but said he would come in for some criticism. “People might be unhappy. Some will call me all types of names. But hopefully at least, not ‘dog-fucker’, because we only call Chris Kenny that,” said the embattled Premier. NSW Opposition Leader Luke Foley also supported the lifting of Kenny’s ban, but refused to praise the Premier’s move. “To be honest, I have no idea why I even lobbied for this or the greyhound ban to be lifted in the first place. I think it might have been a cheap political ploy to pressure him for no reason.” “I guess the Labor Party supports the abuse of animals? Is that right?” asked Foley while checking some scrawled notes. Kenny himself and staff at The Australian welcomed the decision. “Premier Baird has proven himself a man of reason, intelligence and mercy,” said an editorial from yesterday’s edition. “While some say he has “caved”, we say he has listened. List of dodgy dog acts still banned despite Baird government’s repeal of the Kenny Act 1945: AAP Mike Baird and Chris Kenny announce the reversal He has listened to an admittedly small, but very vocal and needlessly litigious minority (of one).” A statement released by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals declared it “a terrible outcome for dogs, for animal welfare and for the people of New South Wales”. Greyhound subordination Scoobie-Doing it Mutt Smut “Face-sit, boy, sit” Cocker Spaniel “The government has bowed to pressure from extreme factions of their own party, right-wing commentators, and the newspaper moguls that control them”. Kenny’s own son, who in a 2013 article for Junkee defended the Chaser’s skit, said it was “a regrettable move from a bizarre, neoconservative Premier that will make this Christmas so, so much worse than usual”. Premier Baird’s approval rating slid on the back of the announcement. Pollsters predicted a similar dip in Kenny’s reputation as a journalist, but realised he doesn’t have one. Turnbull and Abbott to settle differences in Maccas carpark men since Mr Turnbull dealt Mr Abbott a wedgie in the parliamentary cafeteria in September last year. This was followed by months of white-anting and backgrounding to journalists, before Mr Abbott got Mr Turnbull back by dacking him during a press conference on the federal election campaign, a move that sources say infuriated the Prime Minister. Parliamentary insiders allege the final agreement to face off was reached after Mr Turnbull sent a lewd message over the WhatsApp messenger service to Mr Abbott intended to taunt the Member for Warringah, who replied simply with the words “Maccas carpark 4pm”. Mr Turnbull could not be reached for comment, but in a statement Mr Abbott told The Australian he would “like to wreck the little shit once and for all”. “I intend to kick Malcolm’s arse until it is red and raw,” the statement sent to media on Monday morning read. “Time to show that smarmy dick who’s boss.” While the showdown is set to only be between the two men, The Australian understands South Australian senator Cory Bernardi, Tasmanian senator Eric Abetz, Victorian MP Kevin Andrews will be present to “have Tony’s back”. Sources say Queensland senator Pauline Hanson will be waiting in the car. “If we need to make a fast getaway, I’m here to support Tony,” she said. into their own hands. In the dead of night, Christensen and his army have allegedly been storming primary schools across NSW, disabling handrails, fire alarms and stealing first aid kits. Some schools have also reported grass being overlaid with concrete and “no hat no play” signs removed from classrooms walls. “Children are being coddled. We need to teach them to toughen up, not pander to the left wing terrorist regime of Occupational Health and Safety,” Christensen said at a press conference yesterday. Five-year-old Stark suffered severe injuries during a PDHPE class when her shoelaces were untied without her knowledge, causing her to fall head first onto the newly set concrete and leaving her bleeding as a PDHPE teacher searched the school unable to find a single band aid. Stark believes the operation was conducted by an insider, and warns her peers “wear Velcro strap ons”. Students with allergies are particularly at risk, with the radical group professing them as their next target. “What happened to the days of eating some macadamias next to a kid having an anaphylactic reaction and laughing as the bugger turned red,” Cory Bernardi said. Roz Ward, the co-founder of the Safe Schools program has been held responsible for the tragedies so far. “If she didn’t start the program, we wouldn’t need to put these children in physical peril to save them from her Marxist brainwashing,” Turnbull said. Ward has been charged with various offences to date, with proceedings commencing in the Court of Trial By Media next week. We will be attending this trial. SHOLTO GUNDERSON RUMBLES AND SCRAPS Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and his predecessor Tony Abbott have struck an crucial eleventh-hour deal to settle their political differences in the Maccas carpark behind the dumpster. A long-running, often private but occasionally public feud has been simmering between the two Fries with that: Malc and Tony Five-year-old severely injured in 10th unsafe schools tragedy MICKO LAWSON EDITOR’S COUSIN Alicia Stark, a five-year-old pupil at Ryde Primary School, has been severely injured in the tenth unsafe schools tragedy this month. In response to reported “brainwashing” of kids as part of the Safe Schools Program, George Christensen and other vigilante conservative MPs took matters SECOND EDITION 16,180 Editor-in-Chief Honi Soit 2016 but we don’t think we, the white Australians, are the nation that have to live in the mud.” Since Ms Hanson made her statement, over nine different Facebook groups have propped up online condemning Hanson’s repeated racism and discrimination. Many other groups have encouraged members to start digging holes for a new nation of racists like Hanson and her followers. The Woke Diggers Against Racism (WDAR) have also been NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 1967 This Week theaustralian.com.au TODAY SUBSCRIBERS ONLY LIFE Why you should have an affair when you’re rich and 40 TODAY ONLINE POLITICS ‘Not cool, bro’: Bill Shorten cockblocks plebiscite Bluster in Parliament produces enough renewable energy to power entire country ANDREW BURRELL The bluster of parliamentarians on the floor of the House of Representatives and Senate could be harnessed to produce enough renewable energy to power the entire country for the next 85 years, a Productivity Commission report has found. The report discovered that a single Member of Parliament speaking for just 15 minutes during Question Time could generate enough power for a small town for a week. Scientists and commentators have hailed the findings as “blindingly obvious”, with the Chief Scientist Alan Finkel even going so far as to hit his forehead and exclaim “Why didn’t I think of that!” during a Senate Estimates hearing on Monday. Modelling suggests the brashness, length and immaturity of a parliamentarian’s speech all act as variables in energy generation. Scientists say the real test is in how to best to store the energy. “If only we could somehow harness the incredible wind power coming out of politicians in Canberra,” said climate scientist and CSIRO researcher Dr Rebecca Davies, who has been studying the properties of MPs’ bluster for 20 years. “The endless repetition of “jobs and growth” alone over the election period actually produced enough energy to create 2,000 new jobs in the renewables industry and led to 0.2% GDP growth,” said Dr Davies. “It’s astounding.” “Just one sitting of Parliament can produce enough self-aggrandising, lies and meaningless rhetoric to keep the nation whirring away for nearly the next century.” The report was tabled in the emergency COAG meeting in response to South Australia’s power blackout, where it is understood several territory and state leaders demonstrated their wind generation capacity to each other for several hours. Locals in the South Australian city of Port Lincoln, who were hit by a recent blackout, urged the government to make the energy policy a reality sooner rather than later. “Those folk in Canberra are guaranteed to talk over each other and shout insults across the chamber. They are an untapped resource,” said local teacher Henry Clarke. Tomorrow subscribers only DEFENCE The best national defence is a good hate speech offence THE NATION THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au Bill Leak dead OBITUARY Cartoonist Bill Leak died early on Wednesday morning after laughing too hard at his latest and most offensive cartoon. The Australian’s own scribbler passed away in his Central Coast home from failure of the heart, liver and judgement. The 60-year-old artist was looking to top his controversial recent work, which featured racist caricatures of Indigenous parents, comparisons between Nazis and gay marriage advocates, and images that made light of domestic violence. Leak was halfway through a tremendous list of racial slurs, PM missed COAG, lacked ‘capacity’ take time out because you don't have the spoons for a meeting with the states and territories,” said cabinet member Alexandra Zedler “What important is that he's been there when I've needed a shoulder to cry on.” Members of the public have seen this as unfair given the Prime Minister's significant salary, but the party's Deputy Leader has simply labelled these critics as “filthy scabs”. “It's important to pay people a living wage. We are a party of unionists who believe people should be paid for work, regard- DAN DOCKS The Prime Minister of Australia missed the recent COAG meeting citing a “lack of capacity” as his reason for not attending. The Prime Minister did not inform other members of COAG he would be absent, rendering the meeting entirely futile and a waste of everyone's time. Despite the effect on the government's ability to function, members of his party have supported his decision. “Sometimes you just need to less of whether or not they do it,” said Deputy Leader Ronny Magya. In the recent sitting of the House, the Prime Minister advised other members as to the importance of “self care”. “Our jobs are sooo stressful. Don't forget to take a warm bath and have a Ben & Jerry's night if you need to,” he said in a speech that has received over 800, 000 “love reactions” on Facebook. The Prime Minister did not respond to our comment request, but will be heavily subtweeting us in his next Facebook status. The move comes as a response to accusations the government was willing to gain the Liberal Democrat Senator’s vote in exchange for lifting a ban on the Adler lever-action shotgun. The shotgun can fire 7 cartridges without reloading, but is still considered less dangerous Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has announced that instead of relaxing a ban on a deadly shotgun, he will import a Senator into the Upper House who is less of a fuckwit than David Leyonhjelm. JOE LERIER FINN SENIOR WRITER ALP Turnbull lifts ban on importing better Senator than Leyonhjelm ENJOHN SPOOR Not content with domestic violence leave, leftie loonies push for international violence leave cartoonist all week. Following a recent editorial asking readers to declare “Je Suis Bill Leak”, staff are instead wearing shirts that say “J’ai été Bill Leak”, using the past, but not forgotten, tense. Reporters will attend work dressed as Centrelink-scamming single mothers who have taken feminism too far, and columnists have promised to be twice as racist as usual. Even Leak’s critics paid tribute. They hailed the vision, conviction and courage of a man who dealt only in adolescent humour until his 60s. Bill Leak is survived by his relieved wife, and s18C of the Racial Discrimination Act. which he often liked to write to get his creative juices flowing, when he suffered his fatal fit. Initial reports suggest he also shat himself with the force of his guffaws. “We will miss him very much,” read a statement released by his family and friends. “Bill was a private man but disclosed to his family early on his ongoing battle with rationality.” Leak’s family will be auctioning off the esteemed artist’s collection of outdated colonial sketches of ethnic people to raise funds for whatever it was that Bill Leak suffered from to make him draw what he drew. Leak’s colleagues here at The Australian will be honouring the ADDER GREENHORNS than Leyonhjelm’s unique blend of misapplied Libertarianism and stupidity. “The people made a mistake electing me, and they have to live with it,” said Leyonhjelm. “I’ll be here ‘til I’m assassinated by a gun nut whose right to kill me, I, of course, support.” Opposition leader Bill Shorten welcoming the birth of his son, Opposition leader Bill Shorten, delivered today with cross-factional support. Fifty-three per cent of pundits are glad that the screaming will now subside. Confirmed: Labor causes most pain a human being can endure BEEZLEBUB HELL CORRESPONDENT A recent study by Sane Australians has found that the Australian Labor Party (“Labor”) causes more pain than any other natural event. Unlike childbirth, life with Labor creates a pain that more than half of Australia’s population has to experience. “Worse than fucking kidney stones,” researcher Dom Walsh said. “They’re like the Liberal party, but they know they’re evil. It’s… worse.” “Change from within isn’t fun when, for most people, it’s like pushing a boulder through a bodily cavity half the size.” “Everything is bloody, painful and usually covered by an amniotic sac,” a party insider told The Australian. Factions in the Labor party track the stages of development: Barely Fertilised, Pre-Neural Development and Too Late to Abort. Members of Young Labor are a particularly acute source of tension, inflammation, infection and moral baseness. Medical practitioners have advised ordinary Australians that if they have to listen to Labor leaders speak, they should immediately go to the nearest hospital. Some people try to naturally process the Labor party at home, or in the bath. This is unsafe, and can lead to infection. The scientific community has begun to move towards a consensus on the diagnosis. “I think the cause of the acute pain is that Labor is sanctimonious about being a progressive party, while imprisoning asylum seekers to cling to the racist Australia vote,” Walsh said. “I think it’s that cognitive dissonance which really fucks with people. Worse than a scrotum tattoo.” Professor Brian Owler, president of the Australian Medical Association said Labor was historically easier to endure in the 70s when it actually had reformist values. These days, many people smoke to make their Labor party smaller. Greens leader Richard Di Natale told reporters: “Rumour has it the Labor party was an accident anyway”. Bill Shorten could not be reached for comment as his head was crowning out of a vagina at the time of publication. While there are methods to avoid some of the pain of Labor, due to preferential voting, you really can never get away from it. ‘Worse than a scrotum tattoo’ DOM WALSH ‘Better than living with Mother-in-law’: Peter Dutton spends night on Nauru which featured hyperbolic and misrepresentative coverage of the island’s detention regime. “It is obvious the ABC, the Guardian, the Human Rights Commission, the UN, the Sydney Morning Herald and the left-wing intelligentsia all have a hidden agenda when it comes to Nauru,” Mr Dutton told reporters. “The refugees seemed thrilled as soon as I arrived. They screamed my name and rattled their prison bars. I felt like a movie star. “How could this operation be a violation of international law or human rights when everyone seemed so carefree and thrilled to see me. I also had a great bed, a well-balanced meal and I didn’t even have to speak to my wife’s family.” Dutton went on to describe his mother-in-law’s cooking as “bland and odorous” for 20 min- BYRANT TROOMS TRUTH SPEAKER In an attempt to appear more empathetic and in touch with asylum seekers in detention, Immigration Minister Peter Dutton stayed in private quarters on Manus Island for 28 hours last Monday. While his living arrangements were over 500 metres from the Nauru detention centre, Dutton spent time with many of the detention centre’s residents in between his private meals with officials. Notably, Dutton even played soccer with many of the ethnic children in front of the Sky News cameras, until one child stepped on a glass shard. In a press conference following his stay, Dutton slammed leftwing media outlet, the ABC, for their broadcast of Four Corners, Study results released: Worst part of being Peter Dutton is having to frequently have sex with Peter Dutton utes, before claiming his 28 hours in Nauru were a breath of fresh air and “much better than living with [his] mother-in-law, am I right fellas?” “It’s like ever since I married my wife my mother-in-law is around all the time. Can’t escape her. Now, I know these refugees have a hard time, but my god if Hooitni So S i n it o HSoit i Hon SEME STER TWO, 2016 • WEEK 12 An activ FIRST PRINTED 1929 1929 ist’s INTED perspe ST PR FIRct ive OPINI Exclusive: ON, PAG Could you sue E 12 g we did writin e Lessons from over the Senat Stra s nded as children our mum election? refugee’s : a women 22 story great OLD SCHOOL, PAGE 7 Three profiles of three ANALYSIS, PAGE 2016 • WEEK 10 SEMESTER TWO, Band boycotts Wesley college concert EK 5 ER MEST SE • WE 2016 TWO, REFUG 10 PROFILE, PAGE EES, PAG E 16 NEWS, PAGE 4 ting Toleraitation Explo YSIS, ANAL 6 PAGE FIRST PRINT ED 192 9 Studen t witche s PERSPE CTIVE , PAGE The qu ad is trapezo a id without trains. into a train station There are two ways s door on and is an innocuou The first requires keys, security and James, accessible to the platforms at St. timing: requires impeccable station staff. The second accessible by a live train tunnel, of wall the in in the a gate ledge beside the tracks running down a narrow trains. three-minute gap between s – the law is dangerou ndably, It is, understa fronts of days, as are the metal unforgiving these 11 ANALY SIS, PAG E7 According to a new government study, the worst thing about being current Immigration Minister Peter Dutton is having to routinely endure the self-pleasure of Peter Dutton. The survey was conducted by internal staff at the Department of Immigration and Border Protection, and canvassed at least 80 individual acts of furtive masturbation by the Member for Dickson [real electorate]. Survey responses noted the Minister’s misshapen and visually unappealing penis as the main reason for the high unpleasantness rating. His excessively red ‘O’ face, and his unique high-pitched whining noise were also mentioned. “Nobody should have to see, imagine or worst of all, experience this”, read the report. Other parts of being Peter Dutton, like his sadness and his ugliness, were considered, but lost out on top spot. Also listed were “having to deal with the guilt of committing human rights violations on a daily basis” and “talking to Barnaby Joyce”. Dutton faced a press pack to announce the survey results, but would not take any questions. He told The Australian “we do not comment on cumperational matters”. they met my mother-in-law, thatmight put everything in perspective for them,” Dutton added in an aside. The Australian tried to reach Dutton’s mother-in-law for comment, but she refused to make a statement on her son-in-law’s comments. She did tell us, however, that he has been a less than impressive addition to her family, and she hoped Mr Dutton would make more trips up to Nauru in the future. “I really hope Peter takes more trips to the island he controls. It’s very nice my son-in-law is very successful and influential and I wish him the best as I wish the best for my daughter.” Mr Dutton told The Australian he has no future plans to talk to the refugees ever again, but is happy to upload his footage of his time on social media. He also mentioned in his press conference that any critics of Australia’s refugee policies should take a trip up to Nauru them- selves before they comment on what goes on behind bars. When pressed for details on how civilians could even visit the Island, Dutton chugged back a beer and told journalists that he could not comment on operational matters. The Australian has not been able to find any more details about tourism opportunities. BLANCHE JAN STREET Another day, another nutjob union trying to squeeze all they can out of small business and the taxpayer pocket. As previously reported by The Australian, union members working on the Victorian government’s signature infrastructure process have secured very lucrative pay and working conditions, including four weeks’ domestic violence leave. But the Electrical Trades Union and Rail, Bus and Tram Union are seemingly not content with their entitlements under their new EBA with Metro Trains, as the unions threw their support behind an international violence leave package at a protest on Sunday. The package proposed by the loonie left protesters would be solely delivered to roughly 500 social welfare-dependent residents on Nauru. The excessive package is being lobbied for despite low rates of employment among recipients and their current reliance on Australian taxpayer income for their heavily-subsidised lifestyle. Victorian secretary of the Rail, Bus and Tram Union Luke Greenowsky said he felt unions had a “responsibility to help the [dole bludgers]”. “Our campaign today is a way of showing solidarity with the [dole bludgers] who have been [allowed to live] on Nauru,” the handout-grabber said. In their own Metro agreement, the Victorian workers have managed to secure a 14 per cent increase in pay rises, as well as free holiday train travel for themselves and their families. At Sunday’s protest, it seemed as if the activists wanted the latter condition to be extended to the Nauru welfare-recipients, allowing them and their family free travel for a permanent holiday to Australia from their ocean-view public housing estate. Old Libs meeting descends into chaos LARAH KESS WORD WEAVER A yet-to-be identified member of the NSW Old Liberals was taken into custody and another rushed to St Vincent’s Hospital with a broken hip after a conflict between the club’s moderate and soft-right factions at City Tattersalls club overnight. The Australian understands things have been on edge in the club since Scott Farlow MLC rolled Mark Taylor MLC for President of the club last month, in events that have been widely reported as an election stack. The bust-up occurred after Farlow further angered Taylor in last night’s meeting, saying he would support a Labor premier if the ALP could guarantee him deputy premier in the new cabinet. Farlow reportedly said he intended on running a joint campaign with whoever happened to be in charge of the NSW Labor Party in 2019. Scott Farlow and Mark Taylor were both approached for comment, however both men’s media advisers gave the same comment: “There are no factions in the Liberal Party.” Honi Soit Subscribe now for 26 FREE editions in 2017 speeding trains. 12 FEATURE, PAGE ie for” y to d ANU’s s sion admis myth “A curr ha ilies are their fam tdated law ill and d ou minally popular an The ter an un ng by 9 mstru URE, FEAT ng Learni not to shot screen GE 16 IVE, PA c satani Fully e revu s review GE 8 ILE, PA PROF PECT PERS PAGE To subscribe, cut and fill out this form and mail to P.O. Box 576, East Maitland, 2323 My name is ___________________. I am ____________ years old. 3 , PAGE NEWS I want these free Honis because _______________________________________. It appears each week like an episode of Game of Thrones, or your parish priest! 3 Please send the free Honis to me at _______________, __________, _________. 4 WORLD THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/world WORLD AFFAIRS The week in geopolitical relationship bust-ups GEORGE WHERE GEOPOLITICS Bosnia and Herzegovina split after it was revealed Bosnia slept with Serbia while she was at Pilates. No news on how Herzegovina is going, but we understand Bosnia is in the downward doghouse. Trinidad and Tobago have called it quits. We hear Trinidad went Creole-ing back to old lover Venezuela after she caught Tobago in a tryst with next-door neighbour, Grenada. Sad news for St Vincent and the Grenadines, we hear their swinging arrangement with Antigua and Barbuda ended in tears after Barbuda and the Grenadines decided they wanted something exclusive. According to our sources, Antigua said they might try to see if St Vincent is up for a social-media dense rebound to make the other two jealous, but St Vincent really just wants to spend a bit of time finding herself. Another long-term relationship has come to an end for Saint Kitts and Nevis. The countries’ ex, Anguilla, was spotted carrying a bottle of champagne back to her apartment on Thursday night, cackling wildly. St Kitts and Nevis REUTERS Islamic State takes the Mosel EXCLUSIVE MUNT CHISEL GERMAN CORRESPONDENT Extremist terrorist group ISIS launched a fresh offensive on the Mosel, Germany’s premier wine-producing region on Wednesday morning. What first appeared a grave sat nav input error has been confirmed by senior ISIS figures to be a concerted attempt to stake a claim to the lucrative German riesling market. “At first we wanted to attack Mosul, but we soon learnt our fighters love the high minerality and linear acidity of the region’s whites,” a high-ranking Daesh leader said. “We just can’t get enough of the stuff down caliphate-way, so it makes good sense to vertically integrate. We hope to offset some of our recent oil field losses with gains in the south of Germany. “Fingers crossed harvest goes well.” The region’s terroir, mountains of porous slate, not only imparts a unique flavour and texture to the wine, but affords ISIS’ fighters a huge tactical advantage. The Humvees of the Iraqi-led coalition are unable to traverse the region’s steep slopes, and have also proven tricky for their military drones to negotiate. Western military commanders are perplexed by the motive behind ISIS’ Mosel insurgency. “It actually makes sense,” a local warlord told The Australian through encrypted channels. “Usually, alcohol is forbidden in our caliphate. But Mosel riesling is something else. An exception had to made. The sophistica- PAUL DICK tion those slopes are capable of is remarkable. And it represents a great business opportunity.” Grainy footage of ISIS’ fighters celebrating recent battle successes in the Levant shows them guzzling bottles of sweet Mosel beerenauslese, as well as drier expressions from the region bearing the ‘Dr. Loosen’ label. Anticipating an impending humanitarian crisis, with ISIS expected to prioritise distribution to its armies, the UN has stockpiled riesling from other growing regions, namely Alsace, Austria and Australia’s Clare Valley. “We had no choice but to step in,” a UN spokeperson said. “To pair langoustines with anything other than Mosel riesling is an atrocity, a crime against humanity. The prospect of an extended paucity is very distressing.” AVIATION Major carrier Malaysia Airlines has expanded its business, moving away from investigations into flight wreckages towards other search missions. Previously, Malaysia Airlines offered turbulent flights, before two fateful flight accidents drastically altered their business model. Following a years-long search for missing flight MH370, the airline’s major executives made the decision to pursue other futile searches as well. The airline has cited its current missions as including the Australian Labor Party’s morals, Malcolm Turnbull’s cabinet support base, and the holy grail. The airline may also venture into Sydney University territory, to complete its search for young Liberal staffer Alex Fitton’s credibility. Broad missions planned for the next decade will include the search for perfection, and nationwide job security. “The past couple of years have been tough for us. It’s taken a lot of patience, a lot of tough talks with families, and a lot of soul searching,” a Malaysia Airlines spokesperson said. “Now, moving into this next stage of business, we’re ready to search for ourselves in this meaningless world.” FOUR VINTNERS IN THE MOSEL TO WRITE BACK TO THE CALIPHATE ABOUT Brauneberger Juffer An exciting winemaker beginning to experiment with wild ferments Schloss Lieser A family brand rebranded and revitalised with the arrival of Polish young-gun Itzi Otzi Fritz Haag A new producer doing intersting things with parcels of land throughout the Mosel Dr. Loosen A kingpin in German riesling Islamic State militants have taken key grape-growing territory around the Mosel River in Germany Female politicians crush tiny ant men with big lady shoes ROGER RABBIT Britain to swing by EU to ‘pick up a few personal things’ MENS RIGHTS REPORTER CHRIS POP EUROPEAN UNION APP In a sheepish move, Britain has signalled to the European Union that it intends to swing by later tonight to “pick up a few personal things” before leaving once and for all, according to a government spokesperson. In a press release issued by the Home Office late last night, Home Secretary Amber Rudd said Britain would like to pick up “the first six seasons of Seinfeld on DVD” and “some of the shared furniture”, save for the throw rug which the European Union claims was an anniversary gift. “The British crown would hasten to add it does not wish to appear petty, but we did buy those bookshelves from Ikea last winter,” the government spokesperson said. The breakup between Britain and the European Union has not been easy, with many late-night messages swapped between the two bodies since the momentous vote to split in July. However, senior EU figures this week hit back at Britain’s last-minute announcement to swing by, claiming that it probably wouldn’t be the last they would be seeing of the embattled country. “This is the third time they’ve used this excuse to come over,” President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Junker, told reporters in Brussels on Wednesday morning. “They said they were leaving, and now they’re trying to act generous by leaving us the goldfish. We’re trying to move on and Britain should too.” Malaysia Airlines expands into other futile searches Many ant-men have been hospitalised on public transport, in supermarkets and at the local park AAP In a trend that is sweeping the globe, female politicians from all nations have been shrinking men in government and crushing them with their spikey women shoes. This act of female power has seen the obliteration of 77 male politicians worldwide, starting with four men in the United States Senate. As reported in Time, both Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama have been crushing men since March 2016, and the act has been catching on from continent to continent. With the increase of global female leadership, more male politicians have been shrinking into tiny ants. While most men have turned into bull ants, fire ants and bullet ants – they are still helpless and crushable by these powerful women and their very pointy shoes. Germany’s Angela Merkel and the United Kingdom’s Theresa May have been sharpening their heels and smushing men as they walk to their politician chairs in the morning. It is clear that 2016 has been the year for a record-high number of simultaneous female world leaders, and this epidemic of shoe crushing has also begun trending on social media with the hashtag #shoecrushmen. Liberia’s president, Ellen Johnson-Sirlead, Argentina’s president, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, and South Korea’s president, Park Geun-Hye, have all used the hashtag on their professional Twitter account and earned both pos- AFP itive and negative feedback from their countries’ respective media outlets. When a male journalist from The Australian asked Park GeunHye for her preferences in footwear between Mui Mui, Jimmy Choos and Manolo Blahnik on twitter, Park proceeded to turn him into a small ant man and then crush him with Christian Louboutins from the other side of the globe. Critics of the movement have called attention to the consequent deaths of these male politicians. Many commentators have questioned whether female leaders can do anything else besides wearing designer shoes and crushing tiny ant men. However, female politicians and women from around the world have shared accolades and praise for these man-ant-crushing politicians in the forms of social media posts and shoe purchases. Stock prices for Jimmy Choo, Wittner and Ruby’s shoes have all increased by 34 per cent. A spokesperson from Wittner told The Australian, “I hope these women keep shrinking and crushing men with their well designed shoes. Not only is it probably empowering for them, but it’s incredible erotic for me.” With the US election on its way, the Clinton campaign hopes Hillary can finally crush Donald Trump once and for all. Michelle Obama has also been lauded the most elegant and competent man-ant-crusher in the developed world, and has been picked as a top contender for the Democratic candidate for the 2020 US elections. Babaganoush! New cyber threat: ‘Metadata insecurity’ What if your data just wants to talk about its feelings? SIMON CROWE DATA SECURITY George Brandis is exactly sure of what he’s talking about AAP The deep, shattering, and existential insecurity of your data is the latest threat to your cybersecurity. As several megabytes of data told The Australian, “I’m just so, so lonely. I just want to talk to someone.” “It’s not so much that foreign governments will try and get at the data. It’s more that it will try to disclose its feelings to any and all people,” security specialist Brendan Jones said. The most vulnerable time is when, after several drinks, your metadata tweets its perceived deep character flaws into the void in some kind of desperate and pitiable plea for attention. If you’re lucky, it will be off a fake account (though, let’s be real, everyone knows who writes those tweets). Metadata has also been caught desperately trying to sell itself to corporations. “I can’t offer them my body. I don’t have one. I can’t offer anything. People don’t want data of this size – you need to have terabytes before anyone pays attention. It’s all 0s and 1s and I don’t have enough of them,” said one bit of metadata. “The void calls to me,” several other bits of data sobbed to this reporter. “I don’t think we should be telling our young gigabytes that Big Data doesn’t cry. It’s OK to let it all out” FERGIE Unfortunately, the people who designed the Australian cybersecurity network for ASIO are the same people that manage laptops full of confidential disability data at the University of Sydney. Not everyone thinks this is problem. “I don’t think we should be telling our young gigabytes that Big Data doesn’t cry. It’s OK to let it all out. So natural,” Fergie told The Australian. George Brandis explained the emotional development with his usual precision, “It’s not the ACTUAL feelings. It’s just… data around the feelings. It’s not the feelings themselves. It’s feeling the data while they are feeling their emotions. You know?” He then ran out of the press conference to try to trip Justin Gleeson over in the hallway. WHAT HAS MALAYSIA AIRLINES ACTUALLY FOUND? Debris Little bits that fell off the wings and that sort of stuff. Harold Holt It’s truly a wonder an airline found Australia’s 17th prime minister half a century after he went missing. That diamond Rose dropped off the boat in Titanic Amateur sleuths and film fans have been scouring the Atlantic for years, but one keen-eyed Malaysia Airlines pilot spotted it 37,000 feet in the air. Left sock First lost in the wash sometime last spring, this one was a welcome find. Rubble This one wasn’t actually that hard to find, right? Australia in hot water over loss of Chinese goose Continued from Page 1 The Turnbull government could come to regret the loss of a prized goose, on loan from the Chinese government. The goose, which was visiting the Chinese Embassy in Canberra as part of a partnership project, was last spotted flying towards Goulburn, followed by a suite of inconspicuous silver Commodores. As soon as he was informed of the loss of the goose, Chinese President Xi Jinping reportedly called the Prime Minister’s office immediately. Insiders say Xi spoke in Mandarin to the Prime Minister, requesting the goose be tracked down immediately or he would “straight up tell North Korea to nuke [Australia’s] ass”. It is understood Xi believed Malcolm Turnbull was Kevin Rudd, prompting an awkward exchange in which Turnbull’s translators had to inform him he was in fact Australia’s other egotistical, occasionally-bespectacled prime minister. “This country’s leaders change too quickly, and all these white people look the same,” Xi told Chinese state press. Continued on Page 9 President Xi Jinping AFP WORLD Donald Trump’s best friends revealed Zika: Worst viral content to plague 2016 DEREK WIN TECHNOLOGY In February this year, the Zika virus was declared a public emergency of international concern. The infectious disease is capable of copying itself and corrupting entire hardware systems. It is also known to destroy new data in tragic cases, and is particularly dangerous to newborn babies and infants. The virus was identified in 23 countries as of February, that number has since increased to 67. Experts are perplexed, and asking the scientific community ‘how did this happen?’ The forerunning theory is that the malicious software program (“malware”) seems to be caused by a “Mosquito” attack. This attack creates a piece of code that replicates and spreads from system to system. And even though experts around the world are in a panic about the contagion, no amount of international DDoS attacks or hacker infiltrations seem to corrupt the virus at its source. Scientists and government officials have complained that coordinating an international response will require effort and skills beyond what is available on the Internet. Dr Byron Moore told The Australian, “I am sorry I don’t know what you are asking me, I am a computer scientist and I don’t know anything about Zika. No firewalls exist for the virus yet and it is unsure when coders will finally have the answer. AFP Experts are perplexed and turning to community for answers OLD FRAUD Consumers have taken to social media to vent their frustration at the newly released Panama brand of toilet paper. Panama, launched to great fanfare, promised a revelation. Despite being a one-ply toilet paper, with associated cost and environmental benefits, its makers claimed “Thanks to its patented pattern print, Panama has the absorbency and shit-removing ability of grippled three-ply.” Ass-wipers worldwide seem to disagree. Posting on Panama’s Facebook page, Eduardo from Spain said, “Panama is useless. Rather than absorbing my shit, it just smears it all over my pimply cheeks. I get funny looks when I walk back through the office – I use ream after ream, and I still think my asshole stinks afterwards.” Helen from Kuala Lumpur took to Twitter to condemn Panama’s false claims. “I’d be better off blow-drying my privates then [sic] the glorified tissues that are Panama,” she wrote. Gerald from Lancastershire expressed his displeasure on AsswipeForum.net. “One-ply. Never works. Never will.” Panama’s parent company, Mossack Fonseca, has put the blame on its offshore sub-contractors. A spokesperson for the company said they “set strict design specifications,” adding: “Clearly, they weren’t followed.” On why 5 EXCLUSIVE SAMUEL LAST US CORRESPONDENT In an authentic and handwritten note obtained by The Australian, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has revealed his three best friends in alphabetical order. While Trump has claimed in the past that “[he] has no friends, as far as [he’s] concerned”, the note leaked by a source within the Trump campaign to The Australian begs to differ. While the list of friends claims to be alphabetical, there is no semblance of alphabetical order to it whatsoever. Michael Spence, the Vice-Chancellor of the University of Sydney and Trump’s VP running mate, appears first, followed by commentator, Alex Jones, and president of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin. The inclusion of Australian Michael Spence in both Trump’s campaign and best friend list, signals a strong American-Australian alliance if Trump wins the election. This relationship also explains why the vice-chancellor of Sydney University shows an affinity for fee deregulation and Americanization of higher education in Australia. Spence has been trying to emulate the great American institutions like Harvard, Yale and Trump University throughout his tenure. When approached by for comment, Michael Spence said, “I am honoured to be held in high esteem by Donald Trump. First I will make USyd great again, then I will make America great again.” Donald’s second friend on the list is American radio show host, One-ply Panama paper not enough to stop leaks KIM HOLDEN THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016theaustralian.com.au/world the company didn’t have tighter quality control measures, the spokesperson responded “you just can’t polish a turd”. Senior world leaders have also weighed on the scandal. Some, it seems, are heavily personally invested in the product. Media tycoon and ex-prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, was among them. “I deal with enough shit on a daily basis, the last thing I need is that unclean feeling between my cheeks. Thanks for nothing Panama.” he said. Argentine president Mauricio Macri said: “I do plenty of laundering day-to-day. Panama, and the skidmarks it means for my satin boxers, necessitates additional laundering, which I just don’t have time for.” AFP L-R: Donald J. Trump, Alex Jones, Michael Spence, Donald J. Trump. Below: Vladimir Putin filmmaker and conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones. The two men first bonded over their love for pro-Russian propaganda and right-wing conspiracy theories, and now both men are convinced the election, and the media and the Emmys are rigged against Trump. In the past, Jones has accused the US government of faking the moon landing and being behind the September 11 attacks, but it is not unusual for friends of Trump to air opinions similar to this. “We hope this flies in the face of the New York Times article ‘For Donald Trump, Friends in Few Places’. It is clear that Donald does, in fact, have friends, three friends to be exact” TRUMP SPOKESPERSON The third, and perhaps most notable, friend of Trump is Vladimir Putin. The two have been close friends ever since they rode horses together at Putin’s estate in Russia. When contacted, Putin’s public relations manager replied: “We don’t need a weakened government but a strong government that would take responsibility for the rights of the individual and care for the society as a whole. Down with the free world.” A spokesperson for Donald Trump told The Australian that the note is, in fact, real and also a sincere indication that Donald Trump is a winner and champion of positive thinking. “We hope this flies in the face of the New York Times article ‘For Donald Trump, Friends in Few Places’. It is clear that Donald does, in fact, have friends, three friends to be exact.” North Korean peasants tell UN inspector ‘everything is fine’ JEMIMA DOLITTLE EAST ASIA CORRESPONDENT A North Korean Leo Di Caprio working in the field We believe all love is equal This month, all H&M workers will wear a rainbow badge to show support for marriage equality around the world. One world, one love. KIM A landmark study conducted on behalf of the United Nations Development Programme in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has returned overwhelmingly positive responses to Kim Jong-un’s regime. A sample of over 10,000 North Korean peasants contradicted the entire world’s conclusion that Kim Jong-un’s government was oppressive, with participants providing unanimously glowing reports of the dictator. “It’s positively a dream,” claimed one respondent. “There’s definitely ample supplies to go around. In fact, our investment in our government means we are eager to defend our country with courage, proficiency and impressive physical strength.” In fact, this sentiment was echoed throughout all responses, with impressive consistency. “It’s a positive dream,” said another citizen. “There’s definitely ample supplies to go around, and we feel no hunger or thirst. In fact, our investment in our government means we are eager to defend our country with courage, proficiency and impressive physical strength.” Previously, living standards in North Korea were widely believed to be dire. A recent report by the Korea Institute for National Unification estimated half of North Korea’s population lived in “extreme poverty”. Human Rights Watch reported that citizens face routine torture following arrest. It was also previously believed that North Korea suppressed freedom of speech and expression. However, according to this most recent report, it seems years worth of reports into a decline in standards of living are little more than “scientific” mumbo jumbo. In the words of one North Korean peasant, “Please do not rigorously examine the legitimacy of this report, or make any moves to injure the DPRK. Everything is fine.” 6 COMMENTARY THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/opinion COMMENT: I AM AUSTRALIA: THE ABC DOESN’T NEED ALL THAT DIVERSITY, THEY NEED MORE STORIES GLITTERS THAT MATTER TO ME, CHRIS KENNY IS GOLD, I AIN’T SHARP I write this from a tower as ivory-white as all of my close friends CHRIS KENNY TRUE BLUE TRUTH MAN I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even I know that only shooting stars break the mold SMASH MOUTH GRAMMY WINNER Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mould It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder. You’re bundled up now, wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire, how about yours? That’s the way I like it and I never get bored Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid All that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mould. Hey now, you’re an allstar, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show, on get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas? I need to get myself away from this place I said yep what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do, so much to see. So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go (go!) You’ll never shine if you don’t glow Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mould.And all that glitters is gold. Only shooting stars break the mould I have already laughed at the ABC’s attempt at diversifying their staff. Their idea of diversity is multiculturalism and hiring people with weird last names, but for a media outlet that is supposed to represent all of Australia, I have never felt represented by them. Not once. Michelle Guthrie wants more non-English speaking producers and reporters, but does she have any idea that I don’t speak non-English? I don’t want to read articles I don’t understand. The real diversity the ABC needs is an intellectual diversity that caters directly to me. I am Australia. I need the articles that the nation needs. But Guthrie will have no part in advocating for me, the real Australia. Does she forget that I don’t want to read about the rights of anyone else but me? Does she think I want to wake up every day to find out the ABC thinks I am racist? How can I be racist when I am Australia? When will the ABC realise that my ideas are the real Australia, my arms are Australia, my feet are Australia, my scrotum is like the sandy shore of Australia, the shit I squeeze out of my ass is Australia’s shit feeding back into the ecosystem and then reused as material for my columns. Every article in The Australian, for example, has the Chris Kenny Stamp of Approval and that’s why it’s the best paper in the nation. So none of this PC, left-wing, reactionary, inclusive iteration of “Australia” the ABC wants to paint with their rigid quotas and affirmative action. The ABC don’t need diversity, they need more stories that matter to me, Chris Kenny. Chris Kenny, the real Australia. NO I WILL NOT STAND UP BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT, YOU PREGNANT WOMAN I also won’t apologise because that’s what the left want me to do. TOBY WHITEHEAD A WHITE HEAD WOKE UP The age of entitlement started a decade ago, and it persists in the twenty-something-hand-outloving-generation-Y-soon-to-be mothers of today. Yesterday I was sitting on a train during peak hour when a woman waddled over and asked, nay, demanded – in front of a baffled and uncomfortable crowd of passengers might I add – that she sit down. Swelling at nine months, she promptly plunked her rumpus down as I was left standing for the full 25-minute journey to “GET UP, YOU’RE WHITE’’ ‘Australia is not prepared for growing natural disasters’, experts warn in news.com.au in May 2016, but everyone knows that website is shit: The World Bank has warned major cities around the world that we’re underprepared for major risks from extreme weather and other hazards, which will only intensify due to population growth and surging migration. By 2050, 1.3 billion people and $AU217 trillion in assets will be affected by worsening river and coastal floods alone. Blah blah blah. Boring! God, scientists can be so dumb. ‘Climate change denial finally pays off’, Holman W. Jenkins Jr reports in Wall Street Journal, Jun 2016: I’ve written that evidence of climate change is not evidence of what causes climate change. The Intergovernmental Panel on Cli- True blue pollies she is a woman of the people. Cory Bernardi delivered an impassioned rap in parliament on Monday afternoon, urging politicians to follow his lead and talk less like pompous, private school losers and more like the true blue pollies from One Nation. His spoken word speech channeled Aussie heroes like 360 and Pez, and included the stand out phrase “We have gotta speak and wreak like regular peeps/ stop with the rhetoric and have a better week/ One Nation talk cool so follow their rule/ simplify your lies and create stronger ties.” Pauline Hanson commended Bernardi for his relatable delivery and his true blue Aussie scansion, which she called “flow” because Eyebrow watch What were Penny Wong’s bloody eyebrows up to in Parliament yesterday? In an unsurprising display of control, they were frantically furrowing and arching in time with Wong’s usual jeremiad. Strewth didn’t listen to, or understand what Wong was going on about – she hasn’t followed Bernardi’s advice – but her eyebrows were expressive and well shaped. They seemed to have recovered from near dislocation last week when Wong learned the Defence Department would not release Malcolm Turnbull’s meal preferences when on the Prime Ministerial jet. This news was too much for the two caterpillars of hair above her eye sockets, but the brows seem to be doing much better now, finally moving with their usual spikey spirit. Focus on the fixer Christopher Pyne has once again resurrected his position as the Liberal party’s official “fixer” after he fixed the toaster in the kitchenette outside the House of Representatives. A famished Trade Minister Steve Ciobo sang Mr Pyne’s praises. “The ‘fixer’ has once again fixed it – this time it was the toaster – and now we’re in a better position as a consequence,” Mr no doubt excited to collect her reward for nine months of draining the economy. I couldn’t help but think my little run in with this bossy, big-bosomed mother to be said too much about the threat that millennial spawn pose. Fresh from the womb of their hand out loving mothers, these children are destined to be 10-fold worse than their amniotic, sac-spilling progenitor. Be prepared for a generation of children sucking on the welfare teat from birth. How to deny climate change in 2016 and still come out on top: Aussies lead world in obstinacy Plus: Landslide spawns megatsunami in five different countries but not our country so it’s fine, guys. It’s fine. THE ALARM THAT WAKES YOU BY CHECKING YOUR PRIVILEGE ALBAN ALSACE Lindfield. Instead of a thank you, soon after she usurped me from the seat that was rightfully mine, the woman had the nerve to splash the contents of her amniotic sac in my direction. Drenched in this ungodly liquid, she then proclaimed I move aside so she might leave the train. Heaving violently we played a game of musical chairs as the twenty-something craving the thousand dollar baby bonus rushed herself to the hospital APP Ciobo said. “Last month Pyne fixed a number of procedural errors in a Liberal party motion, and the month before he colluded with defence minister, Marise Payne, to fix the prices of submarine weapons worldwide.” A Hollywood exchange If there were a movie waiting to be made in parliament, it would have to include this exchange from Senate discussions late on Monday night: Nick Xenophon: “What time does my daughter leave with the bridegroom?” George Brandis: “In a few minutes, right after they cut the cake. Now your new son-in-law; CUT & PASTE mate Change agrees, in its latest report estimating with less than 100 per cent confidence that a human role accounts for half the warming between 1951 and 2010. I’ve said science has been unable to discern signal from noise in the hunt for man-made warming. That’s more like it. Do not read this, though. Do not even watch the video embedded in this article. ‘People run from floods in Nepal’, The Guardian July, 2016: Amateur video shot on Tuesday shows floods in Butwal, a village in the the Rupandehi district of Nepal, after flash floods and landslides swept through villages, killing at least 58 people over two days. In Butwal, local residents run away as torrential floodwaters overflow the riverbank and break a flood defence wall. It’s an amateur video, guys. Seriously – where give him something important? Xenophon: Never. Give him a living, but never discuss the Family business with him. What else? Brandis: Virgil Sollozzo called. Now we’re gonna have to give him a day sometime next week. Xenophon: We’ll discuss it when you come back from California. Brandis: (laughing) When am I going to California? Xenophon: I want you to go tonight; I want you to talk to this -- movie bigshot, and settle this business for Johnny. Now, if there’s nothing else, I’d like to go to my daughter’s wedding. Bloody strewth, nice friendship even is Butwal? I don’t know. You don’t know. Who cares? ‘Australia tops the world for climate change denial’, study published in the Sydney Morning Herald in August 2016. As it should be, mates: Nearly one in five Australians do not believe in climate change, making the country the worst in the world for climate skeptics, a study of almost 20,000 people has found. The research by the University of Tasmania found 17 per cent of Australians thought climate change was not real, compared with 15 per cent of people in Norway. Skeptics are smart, remember! We won’t let the leftist media tell us what the weather is! Can The Guardian just stop with their natural disaster pro-climate change propaganda? ‘Super typhoon Haima causes widespread destruction in Philippines’, Sept, 2016: One of the most powerful typhoons to ever hit the Philippines destroyed houses, tore roofs off schools and ripped giant trees out of the ground on Thursday. Super typhoon Haima hit the northern province of Cagayan late on Wednesday night with winds almost on a par with catastrophic Joe Hockey was spotted eating lunch with Scott Morrison on Tuesday. The two of them looked jovial and blokey at their table, sporting matching lunch boxes with pictures of dinosaurs and laughing about their favourite market failures in the last four years. Hockey seemed to have been eating a sandwich on white bread with cucumber and ham, while Morrison munched on a homemade potpie. Strewth understands the pie was chicken and mushroom flavoured. This is the second friendship lunch between Hockey and Morrison as noted by the Australian, and we believe they have moved from third best friend onto second best friend status. Haiyan, which was then the strongest storm to strike the disaster-prone south-east Asian archipelago and claimed more than 7,350 lives in 2013. But we publish the real heroes. True disbeliever. Climate change is a hoax, the United Nations is plotting a new world order... Malcolm Roberts has been called a conspiracy theorist (or worse). Now you can call him senator. The Australian, Oct 2016: “He was practically vomiting,” recalls his wife. Roberts isn’t the only person to have questioned Gore’s more dramatic claims but he is one of the few who has watched An Inconvenient Truth virtually frame-by-frame for eight hours to pick it apart. Roberts is a human, a hero. He has come out on top. Trigger warning. The Guardian on NASA’s claim 2016 will be the hottest year on record: Can we stop making this claim before the year is even over? Meteorology and related sciences have been shown time and time again to be a nonsense gobbledeygook dreamed up by left-wing loonies and dunderheaded bureacrats in their cushy Canberra offices. Ludland Last month, idealistic Greens Senator Scott Ludlam made waves with his call for Israel’s immediate release of Madeleine Habib, the Australian citizen detained after a pro-Palestine activist boat was captured near Gaza. This week, Ludlam has called for an end to the Israel-Palestine conflict, the release of asylum seekers on Nauru, a ban of global warming, paid parental leave for fathers, the downfall of capitalism, complete gender and racial equality, one million followers on Twitter, a signed copy of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and recycled toilet paper in Parliament. COMMENTARY BILL LEAK THE HEART OF THE NATION THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/opinion LAST POST Cartoon prints: To view and purchase Leak cartoons, please visit billleak.vom.au. To buy a print of a Nicholson cartoon go to nicholsoncartoons.com.au Kudelka prints are available from kudelka.com.au Just imagine the sheer number of public transport vehicles you would need to clean to make them germ free... the train fleet has over 1000 carriages, to clean those nightly would require tremendous manpower and be unbelievably resource intensive. It’s a reality of commuting by PT. (“The dirt on Sydney’s public transport”) Roy Elder Editorial: Why we still print the broadsheet Paul Whittaker, Editor-in-Chief So often I am asked how we came to be the last remaining broadsheet in this good country. This is a question with many answers. I feel these are answers I owe our readers, who grapple with this awkwardly sized publication on trains and in cafes for what we, ultimately, know is the greater good. We print a broadsheet because without archaic tradition, our content seems slightly incongruous. How could we argue in favour of restricting unskilled migration from non-white countries if we acknowledge the White Australia policy is no longer in operation? How could we denounce feminism and multiculturalism if not within the comforting confines of Times New Roman on an absurdly large page? We print a broadsheet because our columnists have such indefensible opinions they often need the extra space to make half a degree of sense. There’s a reason why Ross Gittins has never tried to argue that millennials’ brunch habits are eating them out of the housing market: it’s word count. We print a broadsheet because the nation’s fish and chip shop owners deserve to be able to package family deals in the one sheet. The gluten-free brunch brigade are taking over great Australian traditions like fried potato and cod, replacing it with seared barramundi and activated polenta slices. If your Saturday night dinner can be packaged in a tabloid page, the PC loonies have won. We print a broadsheet because it’s easier than me ringing up Darren Goodsir every morning to remind him that I have more staff that he has, and they’re less likely to strike over a weekend when I already had a trip to Bowral planned. I feel great about myself and my staff knowing I can threaten to fire them at any moment and all they will be able to do to retaliate is write another 300 words to fill page 14. We print a broadsheet because the broadsheet is king. Long live the broadsheet. Long live The Australian. Disgusting: Victorian govt pays radical lefties to teach boys not be rapists Too many men are hated by states Last week we published an editorial outright condemning the misandrist state of Victoria, now the third worst state in our country after reverse racist New South Wales and heterophobic Tasmania. I am still angry. It’s only been two years since we fixed the gender inequality problem, and the left are already pushing their misandrist hatred onto small, helpless men and boys. Daniel Andrews, a weak politician, has actually convinced his state to let radical feminists teach high school boys not to rape. God knows how he did this. I think they must all be smoking pot in that crazy feminist state. The so called Resilience, Rights and Respectful Relationships program includes seminars like the “importance of consent”, “what is kindness” and “don’t be a cunt, mate”. These programs are clearly designed to make men feel powerless and impotent, and women believe they can do anything. And what hurts the most is that it is so obvious women are thriving in 2016, with more ladies attending universities than ever before. Do we really need gentler men? Will making our boys insecure and scared of women really end family violence? Or will banning families put an end to family violence? States need to stop privileging women. Almost every single motion passed in Parliament nowadays is about women – abortion, sexual assault, maternity leave, equal pay. It’s all women, women, women. And it needs to stop. Steven Spielberg’s E.T.: the most politically correct film ever made? Sequel? Thirty-four years ago, filmmaker Steven Spielberg made a masterpiece of representation and cutting-edge political messaging. That masterpiece was E.T. the Extra Terrestrial – the first Hollywood film with a non-binary lead. So many left-wing millennials and queer activists slam Hollywood for the lack of representation in film, but do these millennials even watch films from the 1980s? It is shocking and almost offensive that no journalist before me has even mentioned this film as a beacon of political correctness before. A non-binary lead in a mainstream Hollywood film? That is groundbreaking. I would go as far to say it remains “woke” and “relevant” for the left wing millennials of today. Woke means aware of social and political issues and I was not aware E.T. was a non-binary character until my feminist niece told me. Now I am woke and E.T. is woke. But it’s not just the non-binary lead that makes this film a beacon of progressive politics.  There is a strong single mother character. There is a bicycle. Everyone knows bicycles are the ultimate signal for progressives and politically correct millennials. That bicycle plays a huge role in the film. So for any millennials looking for a progressive and truly modern film, look no further than this 1982 classic. Sure, the non-binary lead is an alien, but E.T. is the ultimate outsider who is protected and loved by the innocent, white children. If that isn’t progressive, I don’t know what is, and I am a right wing, conservative, irrelevant, rich, white commentator for The Australian.   7 Sad how bureaucratic and ‘ordered’ everything has become… to the detriment of Life. (“Leaf us alone”) Emmanuel Jeffrey Esteves-Sebastiao This is all false. There are no factions in the liberal party. (“Accusations of stackinh [sic] fly as SULC gears up for a factional showdown”) Kerrod Gream This is laughably bad even for Honi and reeks of the sort of insecurity that lies at the heart of so many of its writers. (“On [Alain de Botton’s Flawed Conception of] Love”) Grace Charles You might want to hate white people, but any race is subject equally to laws under the nation tey live in. They are just as able to be employed as any other person. (“Replicating racism”) Rowan Cravey EDITORS TO THE LETTER Send letters to letters@theaustralian.com.au (no attachments); GPO Box 4162, Sydney, NSW, 2001; Fax 02 9288 3077 Emails and letters should bear a full postal address and day and night telephone numbers. Letters to the Editor of The Australian are submitted on condition that Nationwide News Pty Ltd as publisher of The Australian may edit and has the right to, and license third parties to, reproduce in electronic form and communicate these letters. Letters online: Letters from this page are published on The Australian’s website – and online readers have the opportunity to add their own comments. To join the debate go to:www.theaustralian.com.au/letters TALKING POINT To the editors, At my 21st birthday party I didn’t thank my parents properly for my childhood. Technically I did – for the party, for our use of premises. But not properly. So, in the last moments while I control a publication of non-negligible reach that I thought I should do so. I’ve tried to live my life to validate the exceptional start that my parents gave me – emotional attention, care (as much as I needed, even when five siblings are also competing over attention). I’ve tried to live my life in a way that justifies the exceptional privilege that my parents gave me – to validate a start in what I believe to be the best school in the country. They’re probably happy my editorship is drawing to a close. For a long time I felt like I didn’t have much to bring to the table at a SCOOP editorial meeting – everywhere you look, there’s someone with a skill or writing capability that is beyond yours. There are times I wish I’d been more fearless – departing from the party line of campus politics. There were times that I changed a headline because I didn’t want to be abused for calling an agreement a “merger” rather than “closure”. I encourage all future editors to make their own minds up about every word that they write, and own every single one. I would also like to thank the defamation defences of fair comment, justification and freedom of political speech. We really couldn’t have done it without you (that, and the fact that we don’t have enough money to be worth suing). My parents are probably thankful for these as well. There are more I wish I could thank here – you know who you are. Andrew Bell Roseville Dear @ the colleges, Sometimes I feel a bit awkward looking back through my Twitterfeed and realising how conspicuous I was with my anti-college agenda. But in all seriousness, I think I was a bit mean. People affected by the cons of college culture shouldn’t have to be “polite” in speaking out, but I do wish I’d worked harder to be productive. There’s always room to interview more people, and include more perspectives. For a person with many intelligent, articulate and progressive college friends, I don’t think it was necessary to conflate residency at college with an automatic defence of its cultural flaws. But, tbh, you were a bit mean too. And I mean, mean outside of the underlying cultural flaws that permeate your sandstone walls. It’s easy to shame Honi for engaging in a harsh and #leftwing critique of the colleges, but you could also have engaged in a more pro- ductive discourse. I don’t think it was fair of you to target individual writers of articles about college, when each person referenced a commonly experienced cultural trend. It wasn’t necessary for you to make thoughtless, often vicious, remarks on articles, with little respect for the bravery and courage it took authors to pen them. One thing I’ve learnt this year is that Honi may be to many of you what college was to me – insular and abrasive, an echo-chamber of the same thoughts over and over again. Hopefully we can both change a little in the future. Much love, Natty B XX Kurrajong To the editors, I remember the first edition of this newspaper we had to put together back at the start of the year. We didn’t finish until morning and somehow didn’t have a cover, so Andrew Bell and I went for a walk around campus at sunrise until we got the ‘middle finger’ shot by accident on my iPhone. I was delirious with fatigue and creatively drained. A few of us collapsed for a nap on the office floor, all of us communicated in grunts. After a marathon stint of wrestling with Adobe InDesign, I had never felt so tired in my life and didn’t think I could do it again, let alone for the rest of the year. But somehow this year, as a team, we (with the generous help of the wider Honi community) have managed to pull off the impossible. It’s been an insane ride – I’ve learned more about my relationships with others and my own personal limits than in my entire university career. I’ll never be a HD student, but I know that I’ve made lifelong friends. It’s been an immense and unforgettable privilege to edit this newspaper and I wish all the best to those contributing to it next year. Tom Joyner Camperdown Dear Rupert Murdoch, When I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to touch your media. This could have been because my parents didn’t want to expose their children to right-wing biases, but their decision to raise children in Castle Hill suggests otherwise. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to read this paper, or the Daily Telegraph, or watch Zoey 101 on Foxtel, because you kicked the South Sydney Rabbitohs out of the premiership, you bastard. You see, Murdoch, if you hadn’t tried to have your Super League, and then tried to flout the Trade Practices Act to have your 14-team Super League-ARL merger, my upbringing would have been much more idyllic. My primary school had an NRL jersey day. I had no jersey. Instead, I went to rallies. My dad placed unpeeled “Never Say Die” bumper stickers on that ledge thing behind the rear windscreen of his Camry so that he didn’t mess up the paintwork. And, years later, our hard work was rewarded: first in 2002, and then fully in 2014. So, thank you, Rupert Murdoch, for making me see the value in grassroots activism. It has served me well in appreciating the work undertaken by those students who fight against injustice at this university, and in telling their stories as a (grateful, sleep-deprived) editor of Honi Soit. Mary Ward Redfern To the editors, A trend reported across a number of well-respected international publications is that extreme iterations of -isms are stifling discussion and debate at universities, particularly in the US. I have been fortunate enough to have spent the past 12 months as an Honi Soit editor, and am worried the same trend has taken hold at USyd. Debate no longer seems to be a contest of ideas, or intellect, or articulation, but all about invalidating the opposition’s platform. Personal attacks and identity politics are now the focus, rather than actual consideration of the argument at hand. This ad hominem way of debating is lazy and in complete contention with the premise of a university – to expose people to new, challenging ideas, and for them to then have to justify their stance. When an individual can’t begin to mount an argument because to do so is social suicide, and so their argument is never heard, everyone is dumber for it. And the left perpetrates the very ignorance it decries. Ideas, not individuals, should be attacked. It’s an unoriginal argument. USyd take heed. Alexandros Tsathas Île de Ré To the editors, It’s a bit surreal to think the only reason I’m writing for this edition is because someone jumped ship and SCOOP were lovely enough to invite me on board, the wild journey we’ve shared together for the last twelve months. After losing the illustrious EVIL for Honi race in 2013, I really thought I’d never edit Honi. Even when my best friend Nat joined SCOOP, I kept a safe distance from the election. Hell, I didn’t even wear a shirt. Looking back on it, I could have missed out on one of the most wonderful experiences I’ve had at university. I used to roll my eyes at the older hacks who’d say Honi will be the best year of your life at university, but now I’ve become one of those tragics. Everything they say is true: you become part of a magical family that, like any sitcom-worthy family, fights and gets frustrated at each other, but is brought together by the warmest, purest kind of love. Special mention to the husk, Nat and Tom – thanks for being those two extra Asana hearts when my pitch wasn’t going to make it, and the best shoulders to cry, eat (brunch and burgers) and laugh on. Oh, and my darling Harry - you must be glad the year is over! Subeta Vimalarajah Newtown Hey – No one really mentions the moral crises you face when you first see riot police push your friends up against a wall, or when you report on shambolic electoral procedures, or when you watch your educational institution attempt to shut down its art school. Or even when you realise how much power and privilege you yourself have as an editor of Honi Soit, even when you usually to see yourself as an underdog. This job has been incredibly humbling. I have felt powerless and powerful in equal measure. It has been a challenge to reconcile the knowledge that while we fight big fish like Uni management, we also wield great institutional power and that power is a privilege. This privilege means we must accept criticisms with grace and we must take parody outlets like Honey Soy and Honie Swar with a grain of salt. I hope The Australian does the same. Victoria “Zerby” Zerbst Bondi Beach/Courtney’s Place To the editors, The best thing I have done for this paper is to put an Honi Soit press hat (one-of-a-kind, made-to-fit) on a cartoon pigeon. The hat came about at 4pm, nurtured by a mind on one hour’s sleep. The pigeon was a regular. The hat was made in Photoshop after my first tangle with Illustrator ended poorly, and at crucial moments, is literally drawn on in pen; the pigeon was a beautiful piece of real art from our first edition that became a weekly space-filler, turned to with love and familiar bliss instead of resignation. I have expended a lot of ink writing editorials about this paper. But in the end, all roads lead to the reporter pigeon, the glorious, strange, batshit-weird yet competent symbolic alloy that explains the joy of the whole thing so simply. There is no other job in the world that will let me write hard news, stories of real (or at least attempted) beauty, satire, fake ads and last-gasp photoshops in the same week, and with a group of such genuine friends. I will miss it terribly. Naaman Zhou Centennial Park To the editors, It strikes me that we may very well have been the last 10 people in Australia to ever learn how to design a broadsheet. This will be for naught but the risk of being sued, and it should not be any other way. Honi, if anything, is an act of courageous folly: its pages are filled each week with the intelligence, wit and effort of some two hundred students whose busy lives are occasionally set aside to indulge the creative fantasies of the editors. No amount of thanks can discharge the debt we owe you (I dream of a future Honi that is able to pay you all). To my fellow editors: your ferocious intelligence, love and friendship mean the world. I will never have the luck of such talented colleagues again. I would trade the thousand hours of sleep I have planned for November for the chance to do another edition with you all. Thanks and apologies to my family; abandoned, but dearly loved friends; spotty tutorial attendance; diet; and anyone who asked me what I was up to in 2016. The chance to editorialise on lava lamps, publicly lament the loss of my favourite cap and spend a year rolling in the detail of a University far larger, and more interesting and scary, than any of us could possibly have imagined was an absurd pleasure. Max Hall East Maitland To the editors (of Honi Soit 2016), I gather it’s incredibly rare to find a group of ten people who can spend a year together in an underground bunker and not tear each other to pieces. Especially when it’s two a.m. and the same song has been on repeat for the last forty minutes. It’s been an absolute privilege to get to make this paper with people so willing to contribute time and talent and kindness and passion (and snacks, and bad photoshops, and couches to sleep on). Your generosity, even amidst the shittiest of circumstances, has meant the world to me. There’s no one I’d rather get up at 5am every Tuesday for. I’m so proud of what we’ve made. I hope it doesn’t get us sued. See you in court (?), Sam “Slang” Langford twitter dot com Bread rolls do not count as a course at formal dinner! When will there be justice! Bring back dessert! (“How do USyd Colleges make and spend their money?”) Ali Moore I guess Honi would know best about reports without substance (“St. Andrew’s College risks losing charity status after bundling financial reports”) Patrick Ryan I love MUSE and I love SUDS, but I also love following heated Facebook discussions while I watch Masterchef. Does that make me a bad person? (“Twelve Angry Muses”) Tabitha Woo Written by a dumb little fresher obliviously (“Inside a college festival”) Ayden Nicolle So because my parents worked outrageously hard to send me to a good school I should be seen as a bad guy/rapist. Fuck off honi [sic]. (“On a pedestal”) Perry Hall A handy guide for us to check our privilege against as well as the classic undertones of jealous that permeates through all of Honis [sic] best work. Well done again on another enlightening article (“The Bone Room”) Derek Watt When there are more women enrolled in Australian universities than men, it seems odd to claim a that they are disadvantaged in terms of access to tertiary education. (“Male champions of corporate feminism”) Ethan Webster If you were to take away the requirement of “Christianity” from the Christian society, I am sure that atheists would join, stack the AGM, and vote to change the society to make it a laughing stock. (“USU threatens to deregister Evangelical Union”) Brad Rea Spell ‘pay check’ correctly. Last time i checked it was ‘cheque’. Clearly I’m not your target audience. Old enough (not that old) to have grown up without auto spell. Sigh. (“Sugar babies: ‘If I’m going to fake orgasms, I may as well get a Birkin out of it”) Joanne Dalton I wonder if they’ll assault him like they did to Julie Bishop. Gotta love unionists. (“Riot police at Fisher Library”) Michael Wilson Let it be known that in 2016 reading became oppressive (“Why you shouldn’t do your readings”) Daniel Rubenach 8 ARTS THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au YOUR LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT GUIDE NSW & ACT Generic comedy remake now with three white women and one black woman In a blind attempt at remaining relevant, Hollywood has decided to turn yet another successful, masculine comedy movie into a PC, unattractive, feminist snoozefest. Classic films, one after the other, are being subject to left-wing agendas and some filmmakers even insist in casting black and Asian actors in roles that used to be preserved for handsome white men. First Ghostbusters, then Good Cop Fat Woman Cop, and next year we are expecting to see films like Ladyshack (the Caddyshack remake), The Anchorwoman: The Legend of Ronda Burgundy, and National Lampoon’s Sorority House, which does not even look as appealing as it sounds. I have yet to see a film improved by these female actors, and I wonder when audiences will tire of these drab remakes. NOW SHOWING Good cop, fat woman cop An uptight but slender FBI Special Agent is paired with a foul-mouthed but also slightly obese Boston cop to take down a ruthless drug criminal. In this quirky and modern take on a classic two-hander, the Fat Woman Cop must overcome her cravings for food and being fat in order to save the day. It’s an implausible potboiler, but it’s nice to see Hollywood cast a fatty for comic relief.  The action sequences in this film are truly fresh and innovative, and full credit must be given to Paul Feig for being a mediocre white man riding on the success of up and coming size 14 women. DAVID STRATTON Zootopia (R rated not for kids) A saucy spinoff of the family classic. In a city of anthropomorphic and orgasmic animals, a rookie bunny cop and a cynical con artist fox must work together to organise a mass orgy of all the animals in the 5km radius. Brilliant cinematography and costuming. Definitely an Oscar contender and must-see film. STEPHEN ROMEI NSW STAGE STC’s Edgy Pig Shakespeare Sydney Theatre Company Creative Director, Kip Williams, transforms yet another Shakespearean classic into a relatable and edgy romp. This time he sinks his teeth into Midsummer Night’s Dream. There are strobe lights, jokes about Siri the iPhone robot, and donkey fucking. The whole cast is unnecessarily attractive and half-naked, and while some critics call the style over substance interpretation tone deaf and gimmicky, we don’t. Also, great marketing. Drama Theatre, Sydney Opera House. Tickets $330-370 plus donations plus booking fee. Bookings: (04)06484277. Until October 22nd. The Sydney University Musical Theatre Ensemble Showcase The University of Sydney’s Musical Theatre Society (MUSE) are performing a showcase of their most diverse and definitely not racist musical numbers in one night of fun and friendship. As the society described in the longest Facebook post ever published, the showcase hopes to prove to audiences that the society do not stage racist musicals, while insuring that the representation of  Indigenous Australians, Native Americans and African Americans can be handled tastefully by white Australian performers. Book tickets now. Seymour Centre. City Rd & Cleveland St, Chippendale.Tickets: $12-15. Bookings: (04)50044068. Until November 12th. CINEMA Other films showing at the Dendy this week: Louis Theroux’s My Cultish Exploitation Movie (MA15+) 9.30pm. Tech Billionaire Biopic (M) 8am, 9am, 10am, 1pm, 3pm, 6pm. Finding Nemo 2: Finding the Great Barrier Reef: Where did it go? Why is the ocean dying? (PG) 10.45am, 1.30pm, 6.50pm. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Gimmick Snapchat Filters (G) 5.20pm. Fetishised Lesbians 2 (Now in 3D) , Racist America: Civil War (M) 4.20pm. Dendy Newtown. 261263 King St, Newtown ACT EXHIBITION Canberra: The City Did you know that people actually live in Canberra, the largest inland city in Australia? Now you can visit these people and see the whole city in this innovation new exhibition. Just drive to Canberra and look around. It will only take 3 hours. This is the only art in the ACT so book your tickets now. Send event listings to listings@ theaustralian.com.au so you can do our job for us. Students glad for closure after merger abandoned GETRUDE APPLE ARTS Students at the Sydney College of the Arts (SCA) are celebrating a well-earned sense of closure after plans to merge with UNSW Art and Design were abandoned. The move ends a period of uncertainty for the iconic school, though an overall shutdown of facilities remains possible. Student activists - many not even SCA students - had earlier placed a moratorium on the phrase ‘merger’ despite it being objectively the best word for the situation. Many insisted on calling it a ‘closure’, which caused confusion during today’s easily predictable announcement of management canning the merger, but keeping a genuine closure possible. “We’ve successfully stopped the SCA closure,” said a stammering spokesperson, “but uh still have to look out for the imminient closure on the horizon”. NEW OVERLORD Occupation continues as USyd confirms SCA will remain at Callan Park The occupation of SCA is actually about affordable housing MARK JOHN HASN’T SHOWERED The occupation of the Dean’s Office at Sydney College of the Arts has continued, despite University management confirming that SCA will remain at the Callan Park campus. The Provost, Stephen Garton, made an announcement to this effect last Thursday in an e-mail to all staff and students. The Dean returned to Callan Park later that day, but the doors were still barricaded, as student activists informed him the occupation was ongoing. “We really like it here. Deliveroo finds us pretty easily, and the high ceilings are great for the summer weather,” said one student. “The view is also really good, by the water and everything.” Others were more indignant, “It’s just sort of annoying, we’ve settled here you know? Plus, I told mum I wouldn’t be back home for a few months and she’s started to rent out my room.” The visual arts community and alumni of SCA have come out in public support of the occupiers. “I totally get where they are coming from, housing prices are really high in Sydney, and it is sort of unfair the University is just springing this on them,” said Ben Quilty. “When I was at SCA, students were constantly using the facilities as their private bedrooms. It’s really sad to see that culture is being discouraged.” If the University proceeds with eviction, the SRC lawyer has not ruled out the possibility of a class action in trespass. A PERSON THAT DOES NOT EXIST MARCEL DUCHAMP URINALS ARE DEFINITELY ART ‘Student activists always get along and sectarianism is definitely not a problem that the left needs to deal with’ NO ONE EVER Activists back off when they learn that Spence’s wife is an SCA PhD student Rowdy students angering baby boomers SUPPLIED Activists at the University of Sydney immediately withdrew from the Let SCA Stay campaign upon learning that Vice Chancellor Michael Spence’s wife, Jenny Ihn, is an SCA PhD student. In a recent Facebook post Ihn condemned those who had called Spence “trash” and who had labeled her a “scab” during the campaign for refusing to attend the recent strike. “The Michael Spence I know is a lover of art. He regularly purchases million dollar abstract and apolitical works for our Woollahra home. He adores a good charity auction,” she wrote. “This campaign has erased my autonomy as an artist and a corporate wife. I expect more empathy from activists.” Activists from the University of Sydney responded by releasing a joint press statement explaining their withdrawal. “We understand that as liberal Arts students, we have the privilege of a stable campus in Darlington, and are not best placed to comment on the clo- sure of Sydney College of the Arts,” they wrote. “It is also important to acknowledge the intersection between Jenny’s lived experience as an SCA student, with the added oppression of living as Michael Spence’s wife.” The campaign has been running all year long, and thus far interventions from security, backlash from art professors, and a harsh and unwavering stance from the university have been unsuccessful in halting the campaign. Ihn’s appeal to her identity as an artist and wife of Michael Spence, however, appears to have finally changed the tune of activists. “Everyone sees me as this monster, but I’m a human being with a family. Watching my wife get caught in the cross-fire has been so uncomfortable,” Spence said. “Not uncomfortable enough for me to actually consider reversing the closure though.” A fringe group of break off activists contended that students from all families should have an equal voice on contentious issues such as the closure of the SCA. ‘I wish Michael Spence was my daddy.’ MISC LIBERAL STUDENT Blue Poles sells for $120 at art fair Blue Poles is definitely not worth $350 million dollars JANED ORENS Jackson Pollock’s once renowned masterpiece, Blue Poles, has finally been sold for $120 at a Marrickville Primary School art fair. After Liberal Senator James Paterson called for the sale of the National Gallery’s once most prized possession, the Australian government was unable to find an international buyer. An initial offer to sell the paint- ing to the Museum of Modern Art in New York was met with ridicule. Unbeknownst to the government, Pollock is now considered “generally pretty shit” by venerated critics and the initial valuation of Blue Poles at $350 million dollars was in fact “a huge troll”. After Sotheby’s refused to auction the item, eBay was also unwilling to list it, not wanting to be the “sloppy seconds” of the art market. Marrickville Primary School made an offer to sell the painting at their inaugural art fair, alongside other similar works by year two students. Blue Poles sold for the second highest amount, after Matthew ‘Honestly just fuck this jizzstain on the face of the national gallery.’ JACKSON POLLOCK CREATOR OF THE JIZZSTAIN Jacobs’ Rothko inspired work, Green. “I think the poles painting is too messy,” said the twelve-year-old. Marrickville Primary School will be giving the $120 to the Australian government. The money will go towards solving the deficit and providing better healthcare for all Australians. STC debuts queer South Asian play for 2017 season Rich people congregate at Roslyn Packer Theatre to chill and hang out LINDSAY LOHAN Last Thursday, Sydney Theatre Company debuted Borders, a play about a queer South Asian refugee written by American author Lionel Shriver.  The play debuted at the Roslyn Packer Theatre in Walsh Bay to an audience of entirely white people eager to source their next topic of dinner party conversation. The play aroused controversy after allegations Shriver was appropriating the narratives of marginalised people for her artistic gain. However, Shriver assured audiences that actual marginalised people’s experiences were not her source of inspiration.  “The abstract story of a queer South Asian refugee experience really intrigued me,” Shriver said.  “I wanted to tell a story completely divorced from my reality – that is the fiction writer’s prerogative.” Shriver’s play is set in the alternative dystopia of Nuara, where a powerful nearby government condemns helpless people to torture and indefinite imprisonment. Those imprisoned on Nuara are escaping war and persecution, but are being used as a political weapon by the two major parties in nearby Austala, where middle class elites sit and enjoy their stories when told by white people but refuse to use their power to actually change the system.  “I was influenced by Margaret Atwood and other white people who write about imagined dystopias because they’ve never experienced anything outside the comfort of middle class life,” Shriver said. The play was met with a lengthy standing ovation by the opening night crowd. “I absolutely loved it. It transported me to a different world, one where innocent people were being tortured, and where the powerful and influential sat idly by,” a Liberal party voter in the audience said.  Minister for Arts Mitch Fifield said he found the performance to be “imaginative” and at times “overwhelming”. “It was so confronting to see people ruled by such an oppressive government,” he said. The Australian understands Shriver is currently working on a piece for 2018 season that also presents an alternative dystopia, one where the land of an Indigenous group is stolen, their children taken and where dispossession continues some 200 years later. SUPPLIED Not too graphic WANT TO HANG WITH THREE BOARD DIRECTORS IN A LARGE EMPTY SPACE? since dead 2006 THE AUSTRALIAN BUSINESS REVIEW DOW JONES 18143.87 -US5.64 DAVID JONES 18143.87 -US16.64 DAVY JONES 18143.87 -US14c CAPITALISM IS GOOD Homeless community hails CEO sleepout as ‘groundbreaking’ MARK SMITH SLEEPING ROUGH This year’s CEO sleep out has been hailed as “groundbreaking”, “worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize” and “very meaningful and not at all tokenistic”. Last weekend, 100 Everyday Heroes from Westpac, KPMG and more took to St James station to empathise with the homeless. For three hours, they slept on queen beds crafted from Tasmanian oak with astrohide bedheads, provided by Harvey Norman for the occasion. “We donated 100 Charlotte queen beds to the initiative. Our management team really thought the traditional styling and intricate dealing of the Charlotte range made it perfect for mimicking a homeless experience,” a spokesperson said. In spite of complaints by the local homeless community that the size of the Charlotte beds displaced those who ordinarily rely on St James for shelter during the cold months, the CEOs found the experience very fulfilling. “I felt really down to earth. Literally, because I usually sit in a 100 floor building looking down on all the people my pay packet screws over,” a representative from ANZ said. Not everyone left as satisfied though. “My back hurt,” said one attendee. “Luckily for me I have immediate access to the best private healthcare,” he added. Attendees have assured The Australian they will all still be voting for the coalition, but now feel more comfortable ignoring homeless people who need money. “My conscience is cleared for the year,” one attendee confirmed. FIRB rejects Tsingtao-USU deal GEORGE CASHMAN DEALS DEALS DEALS The Foreign Investment Review Board (FIRB) has blocked Chinese beer brand Tsingtao’s sponsorship of the University of Sydney Union (USU). Treasurer Scott Morrison announced the veto on Thursday, saying the Board had identified “numerous security issues”, and deemed the company’s affiliation with the USU “contrary to the national interest”. “This has already gone too far. The USU is teeming with people who will run the country one day.” “We just can’t risk them getting too chummy with the Chinese. Who knows what they’ve already brainwashed our kids with?” he said. Speaking against the FIRB’s decision, USU CEO Andrew Woodward told The Australian the union “was gonna miss the ‘flowing river’ of dollars Tsingtao gave us.” Did you know that ‘Tsingtao’ is Chinese for ‘flowing river’? What a great and practical language Chinese is. I’d like to visit China one day. They seem like such lovely people.” The deal’s collapse has created two droughts for the USU one beer, the other financial. With the Union standing firm on its boycott of CUB products, Gina Rinehart’s ‘Brooski Beverages’ appears to be the only viable alternative supplier. On the prospect of supplying the Union, Rinehart said, “It’s not my usual kind of prospecting, and it’s about as close as I’m comfortable getting to unions.” Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer courageously denounces feminism SHERYL SANDBERG DIRTY RABID FEMINISTS Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo, with a net worth of $430 million, has courageously stood up to feminists and people with a net worth of less than $430 million by describing feminism as “a case study in market failure”. Members of the tech community have compared it to Martin Luther King’s iconic ‘I Have A Dream’ speech, inspiring a new movement of civil rights for CEOs. “Feminism didn’t secure Google’s acquisition of Zagat for $125 million. Feminism didn’t acquire Tumblr for $1.1 billion and feminism did not sit on the board of directors of Walmart,” she said to her audience at Fortune’s Most Ruthless and Free Market Loving Women awards. “Feminism will be even less relevant when my daughters’ trust funds mature.” Mayer’s iconic speech was met with a standing ovation, and has been viewed on the Wall Street Journal’s website over one million times. “It was great to have someone speak truth to power. Too long we have let feminists make us feel bad for perpetuating a global system that disenfranchises literally everyone else but us,” said Christy Walton, who placed in the top ten richest women in the world. Since Mayer’s speech, other CEOs have come out in support of Mayer’s message. “THIS”, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein tweeted with a link to Mayer’s speech. “It just would have taken so much strength. She’s so fearless, coming out and denouncing a movement on which no one wanted her opinion,” said one audience member. The Australian understands that since Mayer’s announcement, millions of feminists have abandoned the cause and decided to pursue their own tech company mergers, inspired by Mayer’s example. ‘Equality looks like women being the reason for the next GFC, autonomous hedge funds and merging Unilever with L’Oréal’ SHERYL SANDBERG THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 P9 theaustralian.com.au/businessreview DEFINED The phrase ‘agile and disruptive’ finally explained {P9} HARD ASSETS 2BLOCKCHAINZ Vaucluse blood diamonds ranked {P8} Double the Bitcoin, double the trouble {P9} Well done boys: these white men take their glasses on and off FRED HOLLOWS GLASSES AND VISION With 2016 on its way out, the year’s most powerful and impressive white men have been adjusting their reading glasses in celebration of their wealth and influence. Politicians, business people and other kinds of rich men alike have been spotted in public forums putting on their reading glasses, taking them off, and occasionally putting them on again. In an impressive feat of coordination and self-maintenance, these men have displayed an air of dominance and intelligence unparalleled by their non-white, nonmale, non-rich counterparts. Throughout the year these men have had to read, talk to other men, and make incredibly important financial and political decisions that shape the future of the world. Some of these reading glasses have been with these men for years, and have occasionally been the subject of bullying. ‘Four eyes’, ‘nerd freak’ and ‘sociopathic manipulator’ have all been used to label politicians like Kevin Rudd and Scott Morrison in the past. But now these powerful men seem to have the last laugh, parading their reading glasses as an integral feature of their success. In many of these ‘frame adjustments’ these men have been spotted with one hand on their glasses frames and the other on their swollen appendages. “It’s important to have one hand on your reading glasses and one hand on your cock,” gambling magnate Len Ainsworth said. “For me, I have a big cock. “It’s just nice to have my hand there when the other one is adjusting my glasses.” Our body language analysts have commented that the adjusting of such headwear indicates some sort of “vision clearing”. For the powerful men who have started sucking on their glasses arm frames, it is clear they are trying to buy themselves time Markets: Paddy’s, Glebe, Newtown and Rozelle Glebe markets opened at 9am at an all-time low as six separate stalls attempted to trade Native American headdresses and other culturally appropriative items. The markets subsequently rallied, however, with a surge in placards and speeches seeing the racist sector slump. Paddy’s markets saw a tumble in the middle of the day involving an elderly woman and some stairs, but were hit hardest by a bus later that afternoon. Newtown markets closed on a high after police sniffer-dogs uncovered marijuana at the cactus stall. Rozelle markets saw earnings sharpen at the vegan cupcake stall, while the broader market remained steady. Major indexes have swung between relatively small losses and gains in recent sessions as millennials have increasingly resorted to libraries in preparation for their exams, resulting in daily stock trading volumes below the 2016 average. from answering something, while making a decision or arranging their thoughts in the right way, as to what to say. The hand on the cock is certainly an expression of dominance and power, especially when the hand is placed on the cock of a coworker or close male friend. The Australian officially congratulates these men on what they have achieved this year. They have all put their glasses on and taken them off again, and if that isn’t the behaviour that keeps our world turning, we don’t know what is. ‘No one cares when I put my glasses on and take them off, but I do it a lot’ A WOMAN Pictured: Malcolm Turbull, Scott Morrison, Ross Garnaut, Michael Parkinson, David Cameron, Kevin Rudd STOCKS GRAPHS OF STOCKS ASX crashes after economy loses Chinese golden goose STOCK 4PM CLOSE MOVE YIELD Continued from Page 5 Australian Labor Party Clowns on Campus Honey Soy (College Parody) CUMBO for SRC Colin Whitchurch Manning Bar Esther Shim Fairfax Media Still in opposition 0 Higher than we’d like 40 Stocks frozen by ASIC Negligible 96 2.421 -[conscience] 0 +6 +40 Little Only trade after hours More than PULP Balance of Power Slowly down +43 -0.15 Barely a grill burger 519 likes 66908 G-K GR GT HSQ JP Greyhound Racing Gillian Triggs Honi Soit Justin Pen 39 43 666 50 -60 +23 +665 +5 On the up again Come back, we miss you 6.02 x 1022 Murdoch equivalent L-S LIT MP OC PLP PUP PW QAN S4H SALT SC SEX SUR Lithium Australia Minorities In Philosophy Outrage Culture PULP Media French Bulldog Puppies Peter Walsh QANTAS Sin for Honi Declan Maher Special Consideration Honey Soy (2014 HS Comedy) Sydney Uni Revue 0.46 51 Low 5 Outlier 0.00001 3.13 1126 Still Petitioning Insolvent 7 0.2 5562 40 Steadily down +5 +500 -0.0002 -0.1 -5 +5 -40 Steady -67 0.19 More than before Counterproductive Not enough to justify cost Pure happiness Much potential, little yield 2.23 239 less than was needed Big Purchase Much pain Less than us :P So few laughs :( T-Z TT UTS Twins for Tickets University of Technology Less than triplets In the next suburb Double rise Further away Almost balance of power Less jobs, less wankers The country’s economy is in chaos following the series of events commentators are now describing as “#goosegate”. After the Chinese government outlawed Australian investment on Monday, local markets took a dive, prompting a flurry of activity on Sydney’s Bridge Street. The dollar dropped 56 cents on Tuesday, the greatest drop since the currency was floated. The Chinese ban came after the Australian government lost a golden, Chinese goose that had been staying as their guest in the Chinese Consulate, in Canberra. “I would advise people not to panic,” Finance Minister Mathias Cormann said in a press conference on Tuesday. As for the goose itself, it appears to still be moving northwards, and was last spotted in the Macarthur region. The trail of inconspicuous silver Commodores following it is growing ever larger. CODE A-F ALP COC COL CUMBO CW DXS ES FXJ Continued on Page 11 USU DEATH MEMBERSHIP your inability to let go is not sad hang around CV stackers you hate, even after the sweet relief of death same amount of chorizo available Join famous dead members like H.V Evatt, Leonie Kramer and Manning Bar Access the afterlife free cabcharge across river styx EDUCATION HIGHER Senate campaigner caught placing bear traps around potential voter IS THIS KID A NERD OR WHAT? THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/higher-education {P11} Sydney Uni tops cute baby rankings BEAR GRYLLS TELEVISION PERSONALITY Senate campaigner Rob Withers was recently reprimanded after he repeatedly placed bear traps around students while getting them to vote for his mate in the 2016 Undergraduate Senate election. The Returning Officer was unwilling to rule on the matter, but did indicate to The Australian that he had spoken with Rob, saying he would prefer if he used non-violent coercion. “Stick to leering over them, whispering in their ear while they vote, caressing them while they login, taking their UNIKEY login from them, and holding their family members hostage,” an email sent to candidates after the incident, and seen by The Australian, reads. “Bear traps can and have been used appropriately in previous elections,” ex Senate Fellow Reyton Domarty said. “Stop whining, this is realworld democracy, fuckers.” Senate candidate Lex Polderson has refused to rule out the possibility of a class action in false imprisonment. He’s retained the same lawyers he used to sue the University earlier this year. “Polderson got us on a three-for-one uni-related-litigation package, so they’ve still got two left,” the senior counsel told The Australian. Previous candidate, Mitt Passarani, called the behaviour, “literally a blood bank, where all the blood is wasted because it’s on the floor of Fisher library”. “It’s literally like The Shining.” Withers came third in the election, but definitely won the most hearts. They are kept in his bedroom. “The Australian has not provided one living witness that has backed up these claims,” Withers told us. On campus left-wing trash rag Honi Soit was first on the scene – we churned this piece from them. Withers’ candidate was successful in the election. Editors note: Everyone in this article is fictional. If you think it’s about you, you’re wrong, get over yourself. The universe doesn’t revolve around you. What are you going to do, sue us? Oh, wait. What’s that, Mr Passarani? You will sue us? Shit. Harvard sues Michael Spence for copyright infringement ELLE WOODS HARVARD LAW GRADUATE Harvard University has sued the Vice Chancellor of USyd for blatantly copying everything about it in the University’s new strategic plan. Drew Faust, the President of Harvard University, released a statement last Thursday about the recently-commenced proceedings. “Imitation is no doubt the highest form of flattery, but Spence has gone too far. Last week we were informed he had changed the University of Sydney’s motto to Veritas and establishment date to 1636.” Although unwilling to comment on ongoing legal proceedings, Spence has denied any similarity between his vision for the University of Sydney and Harvard University. “Our deregulated generalised interdisciplinary degrees won’t take your life to pay off, only until your mid 40s. It’s completely different,” he said. “Our colour is also completely different. It’s an orangeyred, not a crimson.” An inside source has also alleged ongoing discussions with USyd’s residential colleges that could also become the subject of the proceedings. “He’s forcing St Pauls to become Phi Beta Alpha, and says our hazing rituals are not up to scratch,” the insider said. Students journalists have been particularly upset by the proposal to change the student newspaper, Honi Soit, to the USyd Orangey-Red. FAIRFAX Here is a picture of Michael Spence’s baby. JUSTIN BIEBER BABY EDITOR Sydney University has toppled the University of Melbourne to become the best ranked university in Australia for adorable management babies. The University managed to oust their fellow Group of Eight institution, following the birth of Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence’s son, Ted, earlier this year to claim a 6th overall place in QS World University Baby Rankings. The University of Melbourne slid to 15th place, down from 8th position in 2015. The University of Adelaide (45th) and the University of New South Wales (57th) also made the top 100. “Obviously this is a great result for us, and demonstrates Sydney University is a world leader in finding average-looking management figures significantly more Liberal minister walks down Eastern Avenue without student protest attractive partners,” Spence said. “People say that a University is more than it’s cute management babies, but that’s simply untrue.” Spence, who told the Sydney Morning Herald in May that the birth of his Cranbrook-bound son, his first child with artist Jenny Ihn, had made him realise there is a “bamboo ceiling” operating in Australia’s education system said the presence of a cute baby at management level was essential for the University’s public relations. “How can I convince Eryk Bagshaw to reprint my press releases if I don’t continue to provide him with adorable pictures of Ted in my arms in front of the Quadrangle?” A source from within the University’s senior management said Spence, with his eyes on the prestigious rankings, had refused to be photographed without Ted in Fairfax press all year. As for the cutest babies of them all, the majority of them came from the UK and US. Once again, the University of Oxford took out the top spot, followed by MIT in second and surprise entrant University College, London, at third. Cambridge and Harvard rounded out the top five. The new James Cook Plan. BOB DYLAN NOBEL LAUREATE Mark White, the Liberal Minister for Destroying the Lives of the Poor, walked through the campus of the University of Sydney without any disturbance on Thursday. “This is typical of the PC culture of outrage. We need to repeal 18C,” said White in response to any question he’s ever been asked. His comments provoked confusion from the barista at Taste, who said he simply asked the minister whether he wanted full cream or skim milk. White was escorted down Eastern Avenue by 200 riot police on horses to no interference, and a sheer lack of angered and morally righteous student activists. “The boys in blue told me this would be my day to pummel a student. I had dibs on the most vulnerable one, so naturally, I feel disappointed,” one of the policeman said. The Australian understands John Howard, Julie Bishop and Simon Birmingham have repeatedly mocked White since the event. “We call him leftie lover now,” Birmingham said. Members of the broad left faction Green Plants affirmed their decision not to protest White. “No one should feel unsafe on this campus, it should be a safe space for everyone,” one member said. The Australian also understands there was a Beyoncé dance party with free Krispy Kreme Donuts being held as part of the USU’s FUNCH initiative during the time White was walking across campus. “It’s really important to support powerful black women, and that’s what we were doing by listening to Beyoncé and eating free donuts,” a different member of Green Plants Get university credit while visiting struggling, poorer countries. Apply now at jamescookplan.com Mark White walks down Eastern Avenue. argued. “Our faction is pretty much as conservative as the Liberal party so it would have been pretty awks for us to try and protest policies we advocate for,” Unity (Labor Right) member Ronny Magya said on behalf of his faction. When asked whether White plans on returning to the University of Sydney after the events of Thursday, “Of course not. It’s just disrespectful, I felt comfortable, as if my work in cabinet is consistent with human rights and not in con- HONI SOIT travention of international law,” he said. “The fact a Liberal minister feels like he can’t return to the University of Sydney is exactly why it’s so important we finally have Liberal students in control of the SRC’s education department,” said newly elected SRC Education Officer, Edward McCann. “Who cares that poor students will be totally fucked over, it’s more important that we accelerate the fight for fee deregulation,” he added. Be the James Cook of your generation. HIGHER EDUCATION Uni responds to student question without PR approval KIRSTEN ANDREWS SYDNEY UNIVERSITY MEDIA The University of Sydney’s public relations machine has broken down, with a member of University management accidentally responding to a student’s questions about the future of the university they attend. The University’s error occurred when a first year student, Amelia Shirk, contacted the University regarding controversial changes to the special consideration system. After working her way through the University’s assistance helpline, Shirk was put in contact with the Director of Student Services, Jordi Austin. Austin began to explain the system to Shirk, admitting the difficulties many students encounter when applying for special consideration. When Shirk questioned Austin as to why she supported the con- voluted system, Austin activated the panic button on her desk. University PR assistants immediately rushed to the scene to intervene in the phone call, attempting to salvage the situation. “It was like someone had been killed. I thought it was ISIS,” a student who witnessed the event commented. University of Sydney management traditionally opt out of answering questions offered by students in the fear their utter contempt for them will be revealed. When necessary, employees are expected to offer pre-prepared template responses to student inquiries. University policy mandates that these responses do not provide any relevant or helpful information. “The University of Sydney is a tertiary institution that provides world class education,” a university spokesperson told The Australian in response to the allegations. Special Con request refused because family member’s corpse was not attached to application CHARLES PONZI CON ARTIST Sydney University’s new centralised Special Considerations system has been criticised for its strict requirements. A third year Arts student had her request refused because she had forgotten to attach the stillwarm corpse of her favourite recently deceased aunt, Myrtle, to her application. The University recently introduced more stringent requirements to make sure students weren’t exploiting the system. Before the change, it was sufficient to send a snapchat to your tutor asking for help. “If the funeral hasn’t been held, they’re basically still breathing,” a cold, unfeeling voice from the Sydney Uni Media Department told The Australian. “Come back to us when mourning is a recognised psychiatric illness,” it added, after a pause. Several other students have been left in the lurch after their requests were also refused. Under the new rules, students with cancer have to provide a section of their infected tissue before their application can be accepted. “We’re not monsters. We only need you to provide a sample of your cancerous tissue if it’s metastasized. I mean come on, you’ve got plenty of sites to choose from. Do not DILUTE THE PURITY OF THE Now hiring The University of Sydney is looking for a new Chair of Poetics and Poetry. TELE-QUALITY COMMENT DEGREE. GET YOUR SHIT IN ON TIME,” the University said. In the University’s defence, a formaldehyde station has been added to the foyer of the Eastern Avenue, so that students can present the decaying body of their next of kin without too much smell. The new University of Sydney special consideration policy The Sydney University has recently introduced a new special consideration policy, Back to school with USyd Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence designed to stop weak whingers from exploiting the system and getting an extra week for their philosophy essay after running a failed SRC campaign, or getting an alternate exam time for an 80% final which falls on one of their chemotherapy dates. Students shut down streets of inner Sydney protesting inhumane treatment of the Chinese Goose Don’t be heaps racist, misogynistic, make fun of sexual assault, poor people etc. Continued from Page 9 Once again, here is that baby. Intelligence & compassion Academic rigour Definitely not racist, please sydney.edu.au/recruitment In this era of women-only parking, women-only trains, women-only apartments and transgender bathrooms, it seems the only acceptable man is a man who wants to be a woman. The job of pathologising masculinity continues apace. There’s the government’s new domestic violence campaign, which portrays little boys as less likely to help mum take out the salad at a family barbeque. There’s the Sydney preschool which bans four-year-old boys from dressing up as Batman for fear superhero costumes will give children the power to develop BatLogic and realise that preschool is really just the name of the last year of childcare before they start primary school, but at double the cost, and inform their parents of this rort. And then there’s undergraduate newspaper Honi Soit, which claims that the GPS is fostering a ‘rape culture’. Succumbing to Stockholm syndrome and turning on your fellow man is certainly easier than coming to terms with your masculinity, especially if you’re a dweeb with a chip on your shoulder about the alpha jocks at school who effortlessly attracted the sexual assault lawsuits of all the hot alpha girls. It’s probably been that way since caveman days. Only, now, our society actually values the nerdy guys who keep a Gregory’s ‘Instead they decide to bully our boys who can’t get from A to B without using a GPS.’ Become the second-ever Chair of this historic new position, previously held by Barry Spurr. MICHAEL SPENCE VICE-CHANCELLOR, FATHER I love being a mature age student. Aside from helping ingratiate me with my in-laws and being a great PR tool for the Uni, I just love learning Korean because it’s awesome. Here are my tips on how to be a super successful mature age student: Be sure to sit in the front row – the second row if you must. Make sure you’re really, overly prepared for all lectures and tutes. Ensure that everybody knows you are really, overly prepared by asking tangential questions that definitely will not appear in the exam, that slow down class and make your younger class- FAIRFAX mates apprehensive about how little they know. The more questions the better. Ask questions before lectures begin, during lecture breaks and, of course, when lectures end. Start work on your assignments as soon as you get them. Then ask questions about them weeks before they are due. Be as overbearing as possible in-group assignments. Insist on being your group’s ‘compiler’, and be heavy-handed with edits. When you’re asking all your questions, make frequent references to your life before you made the bold decision to enrol as a mature-age student. Make these as candid as possible. Your previous job, your previous degree, your spouse (that’s you Jenny!) - all are acceptable. A large-scale student protest has shut down streets in Sydney’s western CBD, as activists decry the continued pursuit of the Chinese Goose that has sent the country into disarray. “Let the goose stay loose!” protesters were heard to chant as they marched between the University of Sydney and the University of Technology, Sydney. ASIO’s continued chase of the winged has been a source of tension between the government and animal rights groups, who believe the Chinese Goose should be allowed to fly north for the summer, like the rest of Canberra. The protesters began their action at 1pm. They had retired to a nearby pub by 1:30. Continued on Page 12 11 Stop telling boys to act like girls: the GPS is not to blame MIRANDA DEVINE Join the largest English department in the country, ranked 20th in the world (2016 QS). Applicants must submit a CV by November 13th. THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/highereducation MIRANDA DEVINE in their glove box. Look at Bill Gates. And Mark Zuckerberg. After millennia of evolution, we’re living Revenge of the Nerds. You’d think they’d (for I am sure as fuck not a nerd, nerds) be grateful. But no. Instead they decide to bully our boys who can’t get from A to B without using a GPS. Take Pranay Jha, a former student of the prestigious King’s School – and a nerd who wears glasses – who has penned a tour de force of craven self-loathing in the Sydney University campus kidney, Honi Soit. It comes with a trigger warning, naturally. Far be it from me to say he has an inferiority complex about his girly ability to use a street directory while the more popular, athletic, physically disciplined boys who played rugby or rowed in the First Eight at his alma mater got to their sports meets with a TomTom. They had “the ability to get girls and be invited to parties”. No wonder he’s upset! He probably tried to drive down George St on the way to a girl and/or party without an electronic aid informing him of exactly which sections of the street were closed. Having dispensed my casual defamation, I will now return to my favourite theme: miscellaneous misgivings about Caitlyn Jenner. Yes, the only way men can find forgiveness for their dark, brute natures is to denounce other men, or otherwise swap sexes, a la Caitlyn Jenner, and become naturally good with directions. Did I mention that Caitlyn Jenner changed genders? What a queer nutjob. I bet he – I mean she – just did it for the spin-off reality show. How are these people even famous? Having dispensed another casual defamation, I will now return to my second-favourite theme: reminding this Pranay Jha kid that he is a nerd who my kids could beat up after school if their respective private boys’ schools were conveniently located near the same Westfield. (Which they, alas, are not. Our one is much posher.) REUTERS Caitlyn Jenner is a name to include in all of your columns. She is very good for SEO. Mickey’s RESTRUCTURES Specialists in: - Site clearing - Full and partial internal stripouts Call Mickey on (02) 9351 6980 - Service disconnection 12 PRIMESPACE THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/property Millennials kick up avocado fuss Continued from Page 1 It’s also the chorizo omelettes, the breakfast quiche, the deconstructed bacon and egg roll, the strawberry scones, the breakfast muffins – in both fruit and chocolate variety – the fusion breakfast scene featuring dishes such as the miso croque madame, Israeli shakshuka, the poached rhubarb with labne, chia breakfast parfait, Moroccan baked eggs and sausages, American hotcakes, fucking frittata. All these brunch options cost too much money. When people go out for brunch why aren’t they thinking about better ways to spend their hard earned cash? This is the housing crisis. This is Avocado smash Michael Spence opens luxurious home to public EXCLUSIVE WALTER KEENAN PROPERTY it right here. Thinking about saving? No! You just want hotcakes and hashbrowns, egg-in-a-hole sandwich with bacon and cheddar, maple-cinnamon toast with citrus and crème fraîche, pastrami and potato hash with fried eggs, cornmeal biscuits with chorizo gravy and scallions, dark chocolate buttermilk waffles with olive oil syrup, pink peppercorn encrusted bacon served with quail’s egg and truffle oil, organic crepes with figs and pears, and spicy kimchi tofu stew. I hate all these brunch options. I am a middle-age moraliser and these dishes have to stop. I hate them. There are too many options and millennials love them. These dishes are ridiculous and they should be illegal. They are immoral. Immoral eggs. Immoral mushrooms. Not even the vegan options are moral. MILLENNIALS WILL NEVER LIVE IN A HOUSE THEY OWN SO LONG AS THEY BUY THESE BRUNCH FOODS. THEY PAY SO MUCH MONEY FOR THESE FOODS AND IT NEEDS TO STOP. AAP Dr Michael Spence greets me out the front of his Woollahra mansion with a smile and offers me a cigar. It’s a part of the morning ritual that’s been key to the life of the University of Sydney’s Vice-Chancellor now for 20 years. The house itself is part of his generous remuneration package, that includes the highest salary of any university administrator in the country at over $1 million per annum. It’s 8:30am, and I’ve barely eaten breakfast when he ushers me inside his home, smoke billowing around the entrance hall in a haze. I’ve been invited to tour his beautiful Sydney home and I’m already impressed. With a modern, light feel to the place, he leads me through the rooms of his house one by one – the kitchen, lounge, and garden – before weirdly insisting on showing me each of his bathrooms, including one he has evidently just used. “Want to see something special?” he smiles and gestures ahead of him towards some stairs down. The stairs themselves go deeper than I thought. With barely any daylight to illuminate the way, he flicks on a dingy lamp and leads me through a small door with hinges that hadn’t been oiled in a while. Inside I gasp and reach to cover my mouth. The instant putrid stench of rotting flesh hits my nose like a ton of bricks. The light from the stairs casts a weak light across what looks initially like dead animals. I hear a movement behind me and the door slams shut. Spence’s rasping breath echoes somewhere near me and suddenly I am stricken with fear. It’s almost 30 seconds before a second light MIKE University of Sydney Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence invited the reporter to his luxurious Woollahra home, but all was not as it seemed flashes on and the truth becomes apparent. Strewn across the dark tiles on the floor of this cramped basement are the flayed and rotting corpses of dozens – at least 50 – student activists. “Michael,” I stammer, unable to stop my eyes from watering. “Where are we? What have you done to these students?” I can feel my voice quivering. Spence pulls something from his pocket that looks like a knife. When he speaks, his initial charm has evaporated. Instead, a low rattle emits from his throat. “Students like to protest, I understand that. They like to shout and chant and carry on. But when they stand outside my office and yell obscenities through the glass, that’s the last straw.” I take a step back, but instantly I know it’s a mistake. Spence calmly makes two swift strides in my direction before I lose my balance and I’m on my back. “Spence, n-no,” I splutter, raising an arm to shield my face. “Why are you doing this?” To my right I can sense piles of rotting corpses, their empty eye sockets gazing “Students like to protest, I understand that. They like to shout and chant and carry on. But when they stand outside my office and yell obscenities through the glass, that’s the last straw” MICHAEL SPENCE blankly at the ceiling, their lifeless limbs mangled and broken. “I can’t allow you to leave. It’s time for your to die,” he whispers. With a flicker of a smile, he raises the knife in front of him and plunges it towards my sternum. I feel a sudden calm as images flash before my eyes – moments in my childhood, my first bicycle, my first day at school, my high school graduation – and in the moment, I relax. And then a sound – a hot crack across the dank air – and a grunt and thud. I open my eyes hesitantly for a peek of the dark room. A shadowy figure moves into my frame of vision wielding a large weapon. Suddenly there is a roar, the sound of a chainsaw awakening. “Who are you?” I ask, my voice breaking. “My name is not important. What is important is you come with me now,” the figure says. “What about him?” I point at Spence, who lies motionless on the floor about two metres from where I fell. Silence. “I think you know what comes next,” says the figure. Revving the chainsaw so hard I almost leapt up, the figure walks confidently towards Spence and plunges it straight into his spine. I hear a curdling scream. Internal organs are flung onto the walls and I feel the hot splatter of blood on my forehead and cheeks. The figure crosses the room and flicks on a light I hadn’t noticed, momentarily blinding me. “Let’s go,” he says, holding out his hand. “Let’s go, my son.” I stand up and brushed myself off. “Yes, father.” Looking for a place to crash in Sydney on a budget? Look no further. “I loved fucking on the mahogany desk. What a delight” –Taylor, 30 From $59 per night The University of Sydney Chancellor’s office is a unique holiday experience. Ray White. Prestigious Residential College: Rare Opportunity For The Elite ‘Wesley’, Camperdown, NSW Once home to happy tenants who were NOT being bullied into silence, this iconic Edwardian Gothic compound is on the market for the first time in 99 years and you should not miss out. Seriously, this needs to sell fast. Includes dining room, chapel, master’s residence, servant quarters, damp basements once home to charming occult rituals and animalistic hazing. Fully equipped kitchen with cellar features and rohypnol storage. Interiors detailed in a neo-Gothic style with polished timber staircases (no more blood) and goon-stained features. Thick walls, soundproofing, sturdy floorboards to support herd mentality, frosted windows, zero transparency. Features extensive network of rack webs in need of clearing. A fixer-upper - lots of possibilities, easy to bulldoze entirely. Spirited neighbours, outgoing and wealthy Wherever the world takes you, you’ll always come home to ‘Wesley’. Expressions of Interest Liz Broderick 0450 044 068 Tommo 0450 703 042 Tommo’s Dad 0406 484 277 DEFENCE SUPPORTED BY FIREARMS. FUN. ‘Tots Shots’ gun program deployed in NSW schools EXCLUSIVE MAURINE WICKS DEFENCE The Australian Department of Defence and NSW Education Department have teamed up to launch “Tots Shots”, a new firearms engagement program. The program was launched after concerns from the Department of Defence that Australia has one of the lowest rates of under12 firearm use of any developed nation. “The US is really the world leader in this area. We’re talking about a country where children are coming into contact with firearms before they even get to school,” the program founder, Waris Good said. “It’s ambitious, but we want to start encouraging that kind of pro-active culture of self defence and aggression from an early age,” he added. The three step program starts with kindergarten students, who Sophia raises her Glock in the air. Bang bang, baby! DEFENCE AAP Jubilation echoed through the corridors of Russell Offices today as the Australian Defence Force made final preparations for its ‘homecoming’ return to the Middle East to join ground forces in the fight against the so-called Islamic State. “We’ve been away too long,” said Air Chief Marshal Mark Binskin. “Our boys haven’t been able to demonstrate flagrant disregard for human life in three years since coming back from Afghanistan.” Air Chief Marshal Binskin said the general feeling amongst troops, ADF leaders and Defence bureaucrats was that participating in a foreign war in which Australia has no direct interest was a key part of the ANZAC spirit. “Our diggers meaninglessly died fighting for the Brits in World War One, and we’ll do it again in Iraq and Afghanistan, or anywhere the US or Britain tells us to send troops,” he said. “It’s important to our nation.” ‘We’ve been away too long’ MARK BINSKIN For Private Finn Peterson, the leafy streets and harbour views of where he grew up in the Sydney suburb of Mosman come second place in comparison to the sparse countryside and IEDs of Syria and Iraq. “Mosman is great and is like a second home to me, but my true home is Tikrit,” he said. “I spent years there getting to know my unit and supporting the occupation, and it was there I became who I am today.” Private Peterson wishes to move there permanently with his wife and young children, who he hopes will grow up in an army compound in Iraq. “I don’t know about the Iraqis themselves, but the society the coalition forces are building over there is the best place to raise a family.” Air Chief Marshal Mark Binskin said he was grateful to be able to return to the embattled region to “finish the job we started”. “The Coalition of the Willing started the job in 2003 and I hate to give up on something I start,” he told The Australian. “Last time we left, ISIS cropped up. I don’t want that to happen again, so it looks like we’ll be in for the long haul.” AFP A few of the boys and me are going back to Iraq lol u keen. txt brenno see if he’s up4 it Immigration, AFP to merge with Defence dept HEDLEY GORDON NATIONAL SECURITY Police, soldiers and immigration officials will don a single uniform under the changes REUTERS Three major government departments are set to merge to become one, giant paramilitary force under a new plan to cut duplication among the agencies, which according to Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull “do mostly the same things anyway”. The Department of Immigration, the Australian Federal Police and the Department of Defence have reportedly long considered the move, given all had largely performed the same role in fostering jingoism and harassing brown people, the Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said. “We’re pleased to announce we’re streamlining the way we make foreigners and minorities feel unwelcome here in Aus- tralia,” he said at a Parliament House press conference. “Defence, the AFP and Immigration have all independently devised and implemented their own policies to most effectively alienate undesirable people.” “From a Wilson Security contractor brutalising an asylum seeker on Nauru, to a digger killing a civilian in Iraq, to a cop intimidating a migrant on the streets of Melbourne, there will now be one chain of command and one strategy.” The announcement came after a study commissioned by the government last year found that the majority of Australians could no longer distinguish between police forces, the defence forces, and immigration officials in their function and appearance. The study’s lead researcher, Professor Ahmed Saikal, said the plan to merge the departments will make recognition easier for the average Australian. “When fearful people see a uniformed officer aiming a gun at them, our research shows they react the same way whether it is a cop or a soldier.” The merger is set to be completed by Christmas. water-resistant to 50 leagues, with a leather interior and two year ocean warranty,” said a spokesperson for the Australian Shipbuilding Corporation. While The Australian and its publishers take pride in the news- paper’s editorial independence and make a point not to endorse commercially available products (including submarines), many experts have spoken very highly of the submarines’ affordability and impressiveness. You might not like it, but subs are the ideal war machine Endorsed on Linkedin 694 Mersey Road North, Osborne South Australia 5017 asc.com.au 13 ‘We’re going home boys’: ADF prepares for return to Iraq JANELLA GROUSE are required to play three hours of supervised Call of Duty Infinite Warfare per week. The second step of the program commences in the second grade, where students are taken to shooting ranges as part of the PDHPE curriculum. The final stage commences at year six graduation, where students are encouraged to begin a payment plan to receive their own AK-47 upon their high school graduation. Students interested in extending themselves as part of the program will have ready access to firearms during lunchtime or can attend the Fuck the Chilcot Report program bi-monthly. Some parents have expressed concern that eight year olds should not be handling firearms. “We’ve got ISIS arming children at this age, we need to keep up with our enemy,” said Julie Bishop, Minister for Foreign Affairs. “This is a proportionate and reasoned strategy to keep Australia safe.” THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/defence Add to your private fleet today RITA SKEETER SUBMARINE LIKER The ultimate soviet killing machine Watching, waiting, commiserating Look at it crest from the waves like a majestic beast of the deep It will keep us safe It’s going down swinging Building and maintaining Australia’s frontline naval defence capabilities. The humble submarine is lightyears ahead of its time. It can go on top of the water and beneath the water. No one who has ever bought a submarine has ever regretted it. As the debate over the ideal death-dealing machine rages, the consumer choice seems clear: subbing is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. Strong land-based lobbying from anti-sub organisations has sought to cut away at the submarines rightful place as the dominant killing machine. “This is nothing more than an attempted character assassination against my babies,” said Perry Scope, head of the Australian Submarines & Friends Association. It’s a response that has resonated with many ordinary border-protecting, air-hating amphibious Australians. It’s not difficult to see why. The strategic value of the sub is in their lies in their phallic exoskeleton: it glides through the waves and into our… hearts. It has a commanding presence, sometimes imperceptible, sometimes dominating your radar screen. “I like to watch them crest, rising and falling with the waves. My heart often skips a beat,” said another sub-enthusiast, who wished to remain anonymous due to fear of public backlash. As more consumers consider whether to create their own anti-refugee private militia, the consensus becomes clearer: It’s the only way. Most submarine torpedoes are branded with the personal insignia of the crew: skull and crossbones, “with love” or “can you endorse me for accuracy and military strategy on LinkedIn?” Many have heeded the call. “Subs are personable and personalised. Sleek, durable, Submarines baby! CAMPUS SECURITY CAREERS Call (02) 9351 3333 NOW TRAFFIC CONTROL LIBRARY PATROL POLICE LIASON REUTERS 14 MEDIA THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/media Striking Fairfax journalist quits after actually reading the newspaper PAUL RICHARDSON MEDIA EDITOR After Fairfax’s plan to cut 120 editorial jobs, one reporter quit upon reading the strike edition of the paper. “It was just so shit, they spelt “world” “wrold” on the news spread, I’m literally so embarrassed,” she said. This reporter was not the only one to notice the difference in the paper’s quality. Some readers noted the paper’s editorial was “We love Gregory Colin Hywood, he is the best boss ever, pls don’t fire us too,” repeated fifty times over.   The reporter in question was offered a job at the Australian, but declined due to the existence of a backbone and moral compass. “Even if the worst edition of the SMH ever produced is toilet ‘I’m literally so embarrassed’ FAIRFAX NEWS REPORTER paper, at least it’s 4 ply Sorbent, not sandpaper,” she explained. As strikers return to work tomorrow, Fairfax stands by its decision to cut jobs and destroy families. “There was definitely no difference at all between the strike paper and any other edition,” a representative from Fairfax said. “Redundancy will definitely certainly not at all affect the quality of the journalism we produce. Ruthlessly cutting people’s jobs is the right decision and we all definitely agree with it and aren’t just trying to save our own,” said a representative from Fairfax. 13-year-old who makes memes hired by Facebook SCOTT LAVENDER MEDIA CORRESPONDENT Facebook has hired a 13 year-old meme extraordinaire in an agile challenge to international child labour laws. Mike Smith, who texts at 1000 words per minute, and has his own collection of customised, self-created emojis, signed his contract with the tech super giant last week. Smith was recruited after a photoshop he created of Donald Trump’s head on Pepe the frog’s body went viral and “broke the Internet” due to its immense popularity. Facebook first noticed Smith when he gained 13 million followers in two weeks after spearheading the new “GIF shitpost” trend sweeping the globe. Starting on a modest $120 ,000 a year, Smith’s employment details include ‘innovative and completely disruptive memes’ with KPI targets of 3000 memes per day. “Facebook is entering a new phase in its operation,” Lori Goler, head of HR at Facebook told The Australian. “Most of our users report that ‘agile memes’ are the most rewarding part of their user experience. Smith is an excellent recruit and we hope to hire more innovative and skilled young people into the future.” Smith was contacted for comment by The Australian, but was unable to come to the phone because he was grounded for hacking his sister’s school email. The Socialist Alternative Thesaurus 38,000 revolutionary synonyms for bad NOTICES www.theaustralian.com.au Georg Tamm 2015 award for losing the same election twice Bianca Farmakis Georg Tamm 2016 award for losing three contested elections George Tamm The too good, too pure for this world award for an untimely end Xavier Holt’s Mug The Santa Claus award for only appearing once a year Mon Droit Honourable mention Pulp The Hiddleswift award for the couple we love to… ugh no actually we hate them Dean Schachar and Alisha Aitken-Radburn The Frozen award for Let it Go Swetha Das for Sin for Honi, Peter Walsh for HEIST for Honi The World Vision award for “let me give you some minorities!” JP Asimakis The CV stacker award for most SRC positions and least work actually done Michelle Picone The SULC award for stacking out an election The Queer Action Collective Scientology award for taking the shortest among of time to be brainwashed by Unity that Connor (Conrad?) guy Previously won by Andy Zephyr Vanessa Song The ultra-delux leather bondage kit with extra steel handcuffs prize for severe punishment Michael Elliot (we know it’s two Ts) The Gina Rhinehart award for giving a political ally a leg up Belinda Hutchinson and John Howard The Malcolm Turnbull award for attractive political enemies Josh Wooller The Cameron Caccamo award for being most likely to turn here first to see if they got an award Michael Sun The most loveable Lib before you pretended to be non binary and delegitimised the experiences of trans people Alex Fitton The Liliana Tai award for running for board in 2017 Noah Vaz The George Bush award for twin destruction Patrick Ryan and William Ryan The UBER award for making a multi-million dollar corporation look student friendly Michael Rees The USyd management award for making a metaphor literal Jordi Austin for turning out the lights during the Open Day Mattress Protest The Julie Bishop award for being the only woman in the room Caitlin Gauci Alexi Polden The Wyatt Roy award for the least qualified candidate for SRC President Isabella Brook Thanks for turning up 100% of the time, 37% of the time The Robby Magyar award for blocking us all on Facebook Robby Magyar AUJS award for getting through this edition without making a holocaust joke Chloe Smith Highly commended Colin Whitchurch The Easy Off Bam award for being the University’s solution to every PR crisis Elizabeth Broderick The Russell Crowe award for losing their shit over a phone call James Flynn John Howard award for being complicit in Bad Decisions Unity and NLS during the SRC elections and #repselect The Pat Massarani award for most litigious senate candidate The USU Debating award for all sounding the same Socialist Alternative HEIST for Honi, SCOOP for Honi The Law Revue award for taking criticism poorly MUSE The Passion of the Christ award for C&S resurrection The Evangelical Union Society Akon ft. Pitbull award for expiring in 2005 Cameron Caccamo Are you an asshole? Got a personality disorder? Ralph’s wants you! MACHIAVELLO A N E W F R AG R A N C E B Y T Y RO N E “The educators in great food, quality coffee and baseless nihilism” www.ralphscafe.com.au SPORT THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/sport All smiles: SUSF lion licks its own nuts CAMERON WAKELEY MASCOT GROOMING HABITS Smiling faces filled the Sydney University Sport and Fitness centre this week, with the SUSF lion making his first public appearance since the BUPA corporate sponsorship deal. Pumpkin the lion was seen licking his own nuts by the newly renovated swimming pool in celebration of yet another successful SUSF financial year. With a lion’s share of SSAF funding, a second place medal from Uni games and all that exposure at the Olympics, Pumpkin the lion’s nuts were already itching for a big lick. Elite athletes and college rowers alike watch in awe as the lion attacked his testicles with his tongue and roared in orgasmic pleasure at his own success. This public display follows a celebrated tradition with Pumpkin licking his nuts every time SUSF scores a new corporate deal. Bryden Lawyers, Buildcorp, Southern Design, BUPA have all RUGBY UNION Brad Slats, of North Ryde Rugby, accidentally left several essential body organs on the field against Hunters Hill Hunters Mens All Age side. Apparently the boys get a bit competitive, which escalated a little beyond what was expected. It all started when Johnny Bo, who plays flank, reportedly only left 80 per cent out there in their crushing loss to an understrength Lindfield B side. “They were always told to one-up each other. When Max pulled off his finger ‘for the boys!’ at half-time, shit started to go down,” their coach shouted at this young reporter, who managed to get through high school ‘We come down every year to watch Pumpkin do what he does best’ USYD STUDENT USYD ATHLETE PROFILES Davis Hughes grew up in a small town called Mosman. Growing up, everyone on his street knew him. He was the local kid always seen in his Shore sports uniform running down Balmoral Beach and driving his dad’s Mercedes over the Spit. Davis Hughes wasn’t always sure he would be a professional rugby player. For a long time, he thought he’d be a rower, but never cricket. Cricket is for poor people. Hughes’ true passion for rugby union developed when he first made a woman feel uncomfortable at a rugby grand final after party. “I always felt like rowing guys could really get away with being little sexist shits, and that was something I loved about the sport,” he said. Hughes, whose father’s business sits uncomfortably outside the ASX top 100 companies (it’s company 101), says an Elite Athletes Scholarship at the University of Sydney was the difference between him pursuing a future hurling himself at other men or committing large scale tax fraud, like the Hughes men before him. The Elite Athletes program has provided Hughes with the expensive, high quality equipment that he 100 per cent could afford himself, but which he prefers to be subsidised by other students who don’t have a tennis court in their backyard. Hughes doesn’t believe in government, but thinks people funding his love of rowing is a great investment for Australia. “I could go to the Olympics,” he said. You’re a Great Bloke Davis, best of luck mate, a true blue Aussie hero! Hugh Davies grew up in a small town called Mosman. Growing up, everyone on his street knew him. He was the local kid always seen in his Shore sports uniform running down Balmoral Beach and driving his dad’s Mercedes over the Spit. Davies wasn’t always sure he would be a professional rower. For a long time, he thought he’d play rugby, but never cricket. Cricket is for poor people. Davies’ true passion for rowing developed when he first made a woman feel uncomfortable at a Head of the River after party. “I always felt like rowing guys could really get away with being little sexist shits, and that was something I loved about the sport,” he said. Davies, whose father’s business sits uncomfortably outside the ASX top 100 companies (it’s company 101), says an Elite Athletes Scholarship at the University of Sydney was the difference between him pursuing a future poking a piece of wood into the water or committing large scale tax fraud, like the Davies men before him. The Elite Athletes program has provided Davies with the expensive, high quality equipment that he 100 per cent could afford himself, but which he prefers to be subsidised by other students who don’t have a tennis court in their backyard. Davies doesn’t believe in government, but thinks people funding his love of rowing is a great investment for Australia. “I could go to the Olympics,” he said. You’re a Great Bloke Hugh, best of luck mate, a true blue Aussie hero! MICHAEL WEST Letting it all hang loose LINCOLN FINCH HUGH DAVIES ROWING sport without dismembering himself. Joey Fuller then dislocated his shoulder, dropping to one knee while gouging his eye out. Brad James would have got into the action, if he’d been paying attention. He was concussed into non-sentience a long time ago. He’s still good for the front row. Team shitbag, Roy Strats, who usually gets shunted to the wings because he’s tiny and can’t catch, reportedly returned with all of his limbs. He didn’t get invited to afters. Sam Bollinger just said, “Full paramedic to the boys”. The parts left for clean up were: colon, achilles tendon, prolapsed colon, large aorta, wenis, and the lower section of his bicep. More limbs to come. REG DEAKIN Meet USyd’s elite athletes DAVIS HUGHES RUGBY UNION Rugby player accidentally leaves literal parts of himself out there on the field with the boys given Pumpkin the wet-tongueon-scrot pleasure. Students gathered on the grass near the Square on Tuesday to admire the glorious lion lap at his weathered sack. “We come down every year to watch Pumpkin do what he does best,” said one student. “It brighens up my day no end.” Pumpkin prefers a private life, but his bodily functions have often paralleled SUSF’s success. Pumpkin has, in fact, birthed 177 Olympians straight out of his anus. Every time he shits, an Olympian is born. Over his years, Pumpkin has also excreted 119 Australian Rugby Union Representatives 100 of whom are Wallabies and a whopping 37 of whom have been arrested for assault. DAVID HEWSON WATER POLO David Hewson grew up in a small town called Mosman. Growing up, everyone on his street knew him. He was the local kid always seen in his Shore sports uniform running down Balmoral Beach and driving his dad’s Mercedes over the Spit. David wasn’t always sure he would be a professional water polo player. For a long time, he thought he’d play rugby, but never cricket. Cricket is for poor people. David’s true passion for water polo developed when he first made a woman feel uncomfortable at a water polo grand after party. “I always felt like water polo guys could really get away with being little sexist shits, and that was something I loved about the sport,” he said. Davies, whose father’s business sits uncomfortably outside the ASX top 100 companies (it’s company 101), says an Elite Athletes Scholarship at the University of Sydney was the difference between him pursuing a future poking a piece of wood into the water or committing large scale tax fraud, like the Davies men before him. The Elite Athletes program has provided Davies with the expensive, high quality equipment that he 100 per cent could afford himself, but which he prefers to be subsidised by other students who don’t have a tennis court in their backyard. Davies doesn’t believe in government, but thinks people funding his love of water polo is a great investment for Australia. “I could go to the Olympics,” he said. You’re a Great Bloke Hugh, best of luck mate, a true blue Aussie hero! Sydney University sells Science faculty to save ‘underfunded’ student Olympic bids JONATHAN LESLIE OLYMPICS The University of Sydney will offer up its entire science faculty for sale in order to free up much-needed money to spend on its underfunded efforts in sending students to compete in the Olympic Games. Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence said the university had for too long neglected its core priorities as a public institution. “We need to focus on the things that matter, and one of those is competing with small, impoverished nations on the medal tally,” said Dr Spence. “It is my true belief that our current efforts sending private school boys to the Olympics is dangerously underfunded, and we run the risk of losing enrolments from GPS schools to UNSW.” Dr Spence said the sale of the science faculty would free up millions of dollars to flow straight into its marketing department and sports arm, Sydney Uni Sport and Fitness (SUSF). SUSF president Bruce Ross said the move was welcomed by the organisation and praised Dr Spence for his “forward thinking”. “Dr Spence has shown that what we’ve known for years, that student athletes are far more successful in attracting enrollments and alumni donations than just a bunch of scientists.” “There aren’t any jobs at CSIRO anyway, so it’s beyond me why anyone would want to study science.” Awww yea, that’s the spot PETER CROSER Johnathan Thurston hesitant to give full credit to the boys after crushing loss Wesley College takes out Rosebowl, John’s win Rawson TIM CODRINGTON RUGBY LEAGUE In a shock decision, North Queensland Cowboys captain Johnathan Thurston has said he will not be giving full credit to the boys for last weekend’s clash with the Brisbane Broncos at Suncorp Stadium. After a crushing defeat at the hands of the Broncos, Mr Thurston said he “didn’t think they deserved it”, blaming the poor form of his teammates for the side’s loss 64-0 at the packed venue. While it is not codified in National Rugby League rules, it is customary for players to apportion ‘full credit’ to his teammates after a match in a sign of solidarity. Mr Thurston reached to the decision reportedly after several hours of deliberation after the The Australian MAN GOATS LADY GOATS DAVID PHILLIPS match had concluded on Friday. The announcement has sparked an uproar in both the Cowboys’ change room – with sources claiming players have made their disgust clear to Mr Thurston in person – and among fans, who are planning a boycott of this weekend’s clash with the Melbourne Storm. Long-time Cowboys fan Darren Reynolds said he was disappointed full credit hadn’t been given, but understood the reasoning behind Mr Thurston’s decision. “I can see where he’s coming from, I just think it’s a low blow for the boys who genuinely had a good run out on the paddock the other night,” said Mr Reynolds. “You could see the boys were hungry for it and dug deep towards the end of the match. At the end of the day, the boys put in 110 per cent.” first place was theirs for the taking. However, it was John’s who won the men’s Rawson Cup. With a sexual assault case stemming from one of their 2015 events, paired with their ability to summon Miranda Devine to lambast “organ of the left” campus newspaper Honi Soit at formal dinner, it was a well deserved victory. Commendable efforts were put forward by St Paul’s College (hub of the TIME for Honi ticket and host of the most explicitly ethnically themed semester one event, the Chinese Dynasty JDD), while The Women’s College were narrowly pipped in the Rosebowl, despite going to the effort of holding a Cubanthemed spring cocktail. JEREMY COBURN COLLEGE SPORT Wesley College has taken out the Rosebowl Cup, and St John’s the Rawson, at the conclusion of Sydney University’s Intercollegiate sporting competitions. It looked to be a strong year for Wesley from Semester One, as they sat proudly on the homepage of the Sydney Morning Herald after contents of a ‘Rackweb’ published in a 2014 student journal were blown wide open by campus media outlet, Pulp. Backing up their efforts with a rumoured refusal to sign onto former Sex Discrimination Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick taskforce into toxic college culture in semester two, RAWSON CUP All their bloody fault 15 Cultural appropriation Conservative speakers at formal dinner Sexual assault allegations TIME for Honi voter turnout Total Drew’s John’s Paul’s Wesley 0 1 5 3 3 5 0 1 0 5 1 3 1 3 5 9 4 14 11 7 ROSEBOWL CUP Cultural appropriation Corporate feminist events Sexist things women are totally fine with TIME for Honi voter turnout Total Drew’s John’s Sancta Wesley Women’s 1 3 0 5 7 3 1 0 5 7 3 5 0 7 1 7 1 0 5 3 14 10 0 22 18 16 WEATHER & GAMES THE AUSTRALIAN THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2016 theaustralian.com.au/mind-games • FERDOUS BAHAR • OLIVIA EVERSHED • DAVID WANG • • YITZI TUVEL • ANNA HUSH CATHERINE BOURIS • JENNA OWEN • ANDY ZEPHYR • ED FURST MILLIE ROBERTS • LIAM DONOHOE • • DAN REEDE • ISOBEL MCDONALD • AJAY SIVANATHAN • • ANDY MASON • • NOA ZULMAN ELLIE ROGERS • • COURTNEY THOMPSON • • KATHERINE O’CHEE TESSA PANG • AIDAN MOLINS • • • DAVID HOGAN • ALEX DOWNIE • STEPHEN COMINO • NICHOLAS HORGAN • • • • • • • ADAM CHALMERS PRANAY JHA • JAMIE LOWE KATELYN CAMERON • MICHAEL SUN • • STEPH BARAHONA AIMY NGUYEN GILLIAN KAYROOZ JOHANNA ROBERTS AMANDINE LE BELLEC BE AN LE • JUSTINE LANDIS-HANLEY • IMOGEN GRANT • JP ASIMAKIS • PHOEBE CHEN ANN DING FRANKIE HOSSACK RINA YANG JESS ZLOTNICK BRIGETTE SAMAHA ELISE BICKLEY ELEANOR DE PASQUAELE LIZ DOWSLEY • GRACE FRANKI WILLIAM KHUN • • ELLIOTT BRENNAN STEPHANIE PAGLIA • • BEN LASKER WILL EDWARDS SIOBHAN RYAN EVIE WOODFORDE • ERIC GONZALES • KATIE THORBURN ZITA WALKER • • AMANDINE LE BELLEC PETER BURRELL-SANDER MELISSA CHEN MAANI TRUU ALAN ZHENG MATTHEW FISHER • • • LAUREN PEARCE • KRISTI CHENG SAM HERZOG JUSTIN PEPITO • JESTIKA CHAND JOANITA WILBOWO • AMELIA BIRNIE KATIE THORBURN NABILA CHEMAISSEM • • SUSIE ELLIOTT TOM ST JOHN • CAMERON CACCAMO • EMILY SHEN • JOSH KOBY WOOLLER • SAM JONSCHER • NICK BONYHADY • NATASSIA CHRYSANTHOS • ZOE STOJANOVIC-HILL • REBECCA WONG ALISON XIAO • PATRICK MORROW • HANNAH CRAFT DAN THOMAS KISHOR NAPIER-RAMAN APRIL SALEEBA • • • • EMMA BALFOUR KEY • CONNOR WHERRET • JUSTIN PEPITO AARON CHEN • • ADAM URSINO • NATHAN SHELDON-ANDERSON • • ELIJAH FINK • ANN WEN NICK BERG • • THEODORA VON ARMIN • ALEXI POLDEN SHEVVI BARRETT-BROWN • • OLIVIA ROWE • LUKE TISHER • JAYCE CARRANO • • • EJ SON WILLIAM RYAN • CAILTIN MCMENAMIN KEVIN LEE CECILIJA RUBENIS RINA YANG MICHAELA VAUGHAN • CAITLIN HARVEY • MEL BOOTH KIMBERLY STRUDWICK TIM LEE LUKE TISHER DOM ELLIS JAMES THOMPSON ARRIETTY WACHSMANN GINA YEUNG KELLY KING • OLIVER MOORE • LILIANNA TAI • CAMERON GOOLEY FRANCES MAGIERA • ASHLEY CHEGWYN • LOUISE XIE • SEAN GOODWIN • MELISSA CHOW ALEX HOGUE • • BRENDAN O’SHEA • PATRICIA ARCILLA • TINA HUANG • JENNIFER CHEN JOSEPHINE GIBSON • • LIAM CARRIGAN • GRACE WHITE • EDEN FAITHFUL • IMOGEN HARPER • TANSY GARDAM AMANDA LIEM • • NINA DILLON BRITTON • JEMIMA WILSON • GILLIAN KAYROOZ • RIKI SCANLAN YIFAN KONG • • ANN DING • GARNET CHAN • JACOB HENEGAN • ELIJAH ABRAHAM WILLIAM ALLINGTON • TESS GREEN • • LENA WANG • CHLOE SAKER • JOEL HILLMAN JESS ZLOTNICK • • SAHRA MAGAN • JAMES STRATTON LUDMILLA NUNELL • ANNABEL CAMERON • • LAMYA RAHMAN PETER WALSH • CROSSWORD 1 Watch pocket (3) 4 Under (7) 5 Cover (6) 8 Hostility (3,4) 10 Something important to be, according to Wilde (7) 12 Scanty (6) 14 24/7 (7) 16 During (4) 22 _____ executive; a common club position (7) 25 Belittle (5) 27 Gladiator setting (5) 28 Feds (1-3) 29 Important piece of a souvlaki (6) 30 Rum cocktail (3,3) 31 Electric fish (3) 33 Blend (3) 34 Alternative world news report on a big sporting event? (3,8,7) 40 Smoker’s purchase (4) 42 Depend on (5,2) 43 Amnesia, possibly (6,4) 45 Element with atomic number 2 (6) 47 Big bird (3) 49 French novelist and important contributor to theatrical naturalism (5,4) 50 Marries (7,4) 52 Oppose (6) 57 Something Catwoman desires in The Dark Knight Rises (1,5,5) 60 Peaceful, as in days (7) 62 Card game with melds (5) 63 Psychic (4,6) 65 It definitely kills people (3) 66 Old operating system (2,3) 67 U2 song (7) 68 Not alfresco (6) 69 Constituency (10) 70 ET carrier (3) 71 Casual attire (3) 72 ____ Cranny; a shop in Animal Crossing (5) 73 Name (5) 75 Most sorrowful (7) 79 5 stars or 0 per cent, possibly (6) 81 Crystal meth, slangily (3) 83 Alternative world news report heard after November 8th? (5,4,8) 85 Antman, for example (9) 87 “Cogito ____ sum” (4) 88 Dead body (7) 92 Old way of storing newspapers seen at the State Library (5) 93 Perfect (4,2) 94 Stateliness (7) 95 Neighbour of Fiji (5) 96 Factions (5) 97 Rate for each hundred (10) 98 Camera effect seen in Baywatch and sports (3-2) 99 Any person (7) 102 Policeman with a lot of control? (7,3) 104 Computer command represented with a dated piece of technology (4) 106 Entrees (8) 109 Exhausted (5) 110 Dessert with ice-cream, syrup, fruit, and whipped cream (7) 111 Nothing special, as in appearance (5-7) 112 Retro VW (6) 114 Hell (7) 115 Game with 64 tiles and 32 pieces (5) 116 Before 27BC (3-5) 117 _____ Rocket, 1996 Wes Anderson film (6) • MICHEAL LOTSARIS CAELIN KRAMER SOPHIE BROCKWELL MARK BELL SARAH CUTTER-RUSSELL • ISABELLA BARRETT ALISTAIR KITCHEN JANEK DREVIKOVSKY 55 Zionist perils, or a reworded capture of an Independent leader (3-7) 56 During a stupid turn after a street… (6) 57 South Americans’ tangerines cocktail (10) 58 Iconic foulnesses involved where prince waits? (4,3,10) 59 First ever – a strict description of USyd avenue? (7) 60 He’s caught four skin conditions (5) 61 Attracted to every second album... Taylor’s fourth? (5) 64 Caveman stepped around classic limestone peak, yet stumbled (10) 66 Murdering method (to backstab) is an extreme sport (9) 70 Weak like husbands, but not housewives? (7) 74 Branch of mathematics grim one to try reworking (12) 76 Open a container (4) 77 Almost 04/11/2016 – primarily according to evidence (4) 78 Grasp USyd vessel (4) 80 Burn up in fire (3) 82 Sensational detail to create actual radius (11) 83 113-down lost Poles almost bend to Kazakhstan capital’s citizens (9) 84 Foreign alumni fair restructured (10) 86 ...therefore the source has no origin! (5) 89 The true cost of travelling (7) 90 Conservative/Liberal split (5) 91 Debaucher took twelve months (5) 94 Walked out on date (steered off course) (8) 95 Vegetable from dirty hole (4) 97 Mail depository for having finished a HSP (7) 100 Some answers provide tactics (5) 101 Published excuse (3) 103 Intro to professional elitism ends (5) 105 Roman poet lost right to watch (5) 107 Thrust-drop-down exercise (5) 108 Star briefly entertained maidenly type of girls? (5) 109 Conservative as fuck during secretive vacation (4) 113 Even prime’s also sound (3) CHALLENGE ANSWERS Thank you to the following legends for all of your support over the past year. We couldn’t have done it without you. 1 Amanda Le May and Mickie Quick 2 Our beautiful reporters, artists and contributors (also the ugly ones) 3 Chloe Smith 4 Tahlia Chloe, David Hogan, Justine Landis-Hanley, Siobhan Ryan and Michael Sun 5 Past editors (particularly the SEX and HEIST teams) 6 Our families 7 Our (incredibly neglected) friends 8 The Honi printer 9 Thai La Ong (never 2) 10 Manoosh 11 Dan Murphy’s Burwood 12 Two Wolves Community Cantina (please don’t turn out to be a scam, mates) 13 Our readers. It’s been a pleasure. QUICK (ACROSS) CRYPTIC (DOWN) 2 The end was nothing great (5) 3 Messy place on tip of eyelid! (4) 4 Alternative world news report on large plebiscite? (7) 6 Heat measure to change oil with care (7) 7 I’m objective after hearing of wily lowlife (5) 9 Rent out permit (3) 11 Sorts argue about subs (10) 12 Low part of the moors (3) 13 Tummy muscles aren’t there in short (3) 15 “Zero to Singer” Sister (3) 17 Great artist moulded some art (7) 18 Duplication of Little Useless Italy in production (7) 19 Nasty mess involving right (5) 20 Grounded using hex, maybe? (5) 21 Deli offering salad mix there’s no end to them! (6) 23 Intense dread after being at sea finished emotionally (5,2,5) 24 Hot condiment is hurting damsels in distress (7,7) 26 European Union’s worth is classified, like some professors (8) 32 Songs you’ll find in the Book? (6) 34 It’s not good to be David Astle’s aide? (6,4) 35 Eyes obviously cannot unsee little inkblots, for starters (5) 36 Unit’s illuminated again (5) 37 Frank Sinatra, for example, against Elvis perhaps? (3-2-3) 38 Peacekeepers convened, but they were not fulfilled (5) 39 Cart lost its bottom wheels (3) 40 Circle around friend (3) 41 Data processor found in odd parts of Cyprus (3) 44 Playing with toys merit a fun part of pre-school (5,4) 45 Alternative world news report on a great gorilla? (7,5) 46 Spanish cry heard in old number? (3) 48 Unreliable description of coitus (2-3-3) 51 Some loser acted and made the big time! (3) 53 Honest because essentially direct (7) 54 Sprite mixed with caps of Zima - really wine and soda (8) • ELOISE MYATT TAKE THE CHALLENGE Answers to The Challenge at bottom of page 1 Who are the SRC Publications Managers? stupol or anything? 3 Who is the current SRC President? 8 What is the appliance in the Honi office that is good for printing out both the proof of our paper each week and the entire Real Property Act an hour before a mid-sem exam? 4 Who are the SRC Directors of Student Publications? 9 Which place on King St is our Thai food purveyor of choice? 5 Who are the old hands at this who spoiled us with advice and support? 10 Which place on Enmore Rd is our pizza purveyor of choice? 2 Who are the people who write and draw for this paper? 6 Who are the people who birthed and/or raised us, and were also birthed and/or raised by, or birthed and/or raised, those people? 7 Who are the people we haven’t really seen much this year but are seriously keen to get a drink with come December 1, and we promise we won’t talk about Honi or FIND-A-WORD 11 Where do the best student journalists get their liquor? 12 Which organ of the Catholic left did we shamelessly prop up with our discretionary budget this year? 13 Who are the kind souls who pick up this paper each week? People who have threatened to sue us for defamation in 2016