Francs and Beans By Russell Baker As chance would have lt, the very evening Craig Claiborne ate his his- toric $4,000 dinner for two with 31 dishes and nirre wines in Paris, a Lucullan repast for one was prepared and consumed in New Yorkaby this correspondent, no slouch himself when it COIHES fitillnfihu the Mr. Claiborne won his meal in a television fund-raising auction and had it professionally prepared. Mine was created from spur-of-the-moment in- spirationfnecessitated when I discov- ered a note on the stove saying, "Am eating out with Dora and Imogene- make dinner for yourselff' It was from the person who regularly does the cooking at_ my house and, though di_sconcerted_ atjfirst, I quickly rose to the challenge. The meal opened with a 1975 Diet Pepsi served in adisposable bottle. Although its bouquet was negligible. its distinct metallic aftertaste evoked memories of tin cans one had licked experimentally in the first flush of childhood's curiosity. 'To create the balance'ol' tastes so cherished by the epicureen palate, I followed with a put? de fruites de nuts of Georgia, prepared according tomy own recipe. A half-inch layer of creamy-style peanut butter is troweled onto a -graham cracker, then half a' banana is crudely diced and pressed firmly into the peanut butter and cemented in place as it were by a second graham cracker. The accompanying drink was cold milk served in a- wide-brirnmed jelly glass. This is essential to proper con- sumption of the pate, since the entire confection must be dipped into the milk to soften it for eating. In making the presentation to the mouth, one must beware lest the milk-soaked por- tions of the sandwich fall onto the necktie. Thus, seasoned gourmandisers follow the old _maxim of the Breton chefs and "bring the mout.h to_ the jelly glass." At this point in the meal, the stom- ach was ready for serious eating, and I prepared beans with bacon grease, a dish I perfected ln 1937 while devel- oping my cuisine du depression. I The dish isstarted by placing a pan over a' very high flame until it be- comes dangerously hot. can of I-leinz's pork _and beans is then emp- tied into the pan and allowed to char until it reaches the consistency of hardening concrete. Three strips of bacon are fried to' crisps, andwhen the beans have formed huge dense clots firmly welded to the pan, the bacon grease is poured -in and stirred vigorously with a large screw driver. This not only adds flavor but also loosens some of `the beans from the side of the pan. Leaving the flame high, I stirred in a three-day-old spa- ghetti sauce found in the refrigerator, added a sprinkle of chili powder, a large dollop of Major Grey's chutney and a tablespoon of bicarbonate of soda to make the whole dish rise. I Beans with bacon grease is always eaten from the pan with a tablespoon while standing over thekitchen sink. The pan must be thrown away imme- diately. The correct drink with this dish is a straight shot ol' room-tempen ature gin. I had a Gilbey's, 1975, which was superb. For the meat course, I had fried bologna lo Nutley, Nouveau Jersey. Six slices of bologna were placed in an ungreased frying pan over maxi- mum heat and held down by a long fork until the entire house filled with smoke. The bologna was turned, OBSERVER fried the same length of time on the other side, then served on air-filled white bread with thick lashings of mayonnaise. _The correct drink for fried bologna lo Nutley, Nouveau Jersey ls 3. 1927 Nehi Cola, but since my cellat, anna, had none, I had to make do with a 'second shot ol' Gilbeyfs 1975. The cheese_ course was deliciously simple-e. single slice of Kraft'|i ll- dividually wrapped- yellow sandwich cheese, which was flavored by vigor- ous rubbing over the bottom of the frying pan to soak up the rich bologna juices. Wine being absolutely de ri- gueur with cheese, I chose 1974 Muscatel, flavored with a maraschino cherry, and afterwards cleared my palate with three pickled martini onions. - It was time for the fruit. I chose 1 Del Monte tinned pear, 7 which, re- grettably, slipped from the spoon and fell on the floor, necessitating its be- ing blotted with a -paper towel to remove cat hairs. To compensate for the resulting loss of pear syrup, I dipped it in hot-dog relish which created a unique flavor. With the pear I drank two shots of Gilbey's 1975 and one shot el' Wolf- vodka (non-vintage), the Gil- bey's having been exhausted. I At last it was time for the dish the entire meal had been building toward -- dessert. With a paring knife, I ripped into a fresh package ol' Oreos, produced a bowl of My-T-Fine choco- late pudding which had been coagulat- ing in the refrigerator for days and, using a potato masher, crushed 'a dozen Oreos into the pudding. It was immense. Between mouthfuls, I sipped tall, bubbling tumbler of cool Bromo-Selt- zer, and finished withgsix ounces of Maalox. I-t couldn't have been better. Elyr Zfetu ilark Einurs Published: November 18, 1975 Copyright (C) The New York Times