I Ran Into My Younger Self Today
By Marjorie Saylor
She was at the early age of 5 years old, having just been violated for the first time. Neither
of us knew what had just happened at the time but we knew it was wrong and there was
nothing we could do. I did nothing. I said nothing every time after.
My present self looked tenderly on her as she sat cowering in fear. I tried to swoop her up in
my arms and hold her, but she looked up to the heavens instead. I remember this. This is
when she found Jesus.
I ran into my younger self today…
Now 9 years old. I could see the bitterness and hopelessness begin to set in. She was no
longer looking to the heavens, but looking off in the distance for someone to rescue her. I
remember the feelings of anger towards God for not answering our prayers for freedom.
I tried to motion for her to look my way, but the tears filled her eyes so she could not see
anything but her despair.
I ran into my younger self today…
She was now 14 watching her mother fly out of the house having almost been killed by her
stepfather. She was finally free. I remember the feelings of excitement my younger self felt
as she left that house. I remember the feelings of sadness as well as she realized she would
have to leave her church…the only place that felt like a home.
My heart wanted to call to her desperately and encourage her, but I stood still for a moment
knowing what I would see next.
I ran into my younger self today…
She was 15, sitting alone in a park. She had just been raped and was paralyzed with fear of
what to do. At that time I was not helpful to her but encouraged her to simply run away. She

 ran, and ran, and ran……right into the arms of exploitation. Several forms of it would happen
to her over the next several years away from home.
Trying to hold myself together as I view her struggles I think how sorry I am that I wasn’t
strong enough then to carry her. I call her name, but she does not see me.
I ran into my younger self today…
She was now 26 and fully trapped in the game of commercial sexual exploitation. She sat on
the floor, her gaze hardened and cold. She was sewing together the pieces of a shattered
heart. Her fingers shook and the pieces kept falling apart, but she kept trying. I remember
being there taping up the pieces….telling her “It’s just the way it is. Deal with it. Suck it up.
No one loves you, so you need to throw away this broken heart and shut off your emotions.
There is no hope for the future you want anymore. Love does not exist in our world.”
My present self, now horrified at the help I had given her then, called out to her again and
again “I’m sorry! I’m So Sorry! I should have been stronger for you. I should have led you
out.”
I ran into my younger self today…
She was 30 years old, pregnant, in the bathtub with the razer at her wrists. She was done. I
shuttered to remember what it took to get her to this point, and fell to my knees and wept
for her.
I called out and begged her to stop! I called her name again and this time, it seemed like she
heard me…at least she was looking my way….but….no…..she was looking just behind me. I
turned to look and saw a bright light. I had to look away it was so bright, but I knew right
away what it was. No matter what efforts I made to save her all along, I now knew it was not
me who ever could have, but God.
I ran into my younger self today…

 She was 31. She was running out the door with her 11 month old daughter in her arms…but
this time….she was running to her freedom and for her life. God had begun to do a work in
her life that only He could have done. I watched her safely exit….and once free…. breathe
again.
I called out to her again one last time. This time she looked directly at me. Shaking, broken,
and tired she looked at me and said, “I don’t blame you for the choices we made. I forgive
you.” I took her trembling hand in mine and said, “I was never really there for you, but I know
now God was always there, and sitting on the other side of it all, I know how you will thrive.
I’m here now.”
For a moment she looked off in the distance, breathing in new life and freedom. I looked out
as well, and when I turned back to tell her ” I love you”, she faded away and I was left with my
present self. Tears of joy started to roll down my check, as I thought to myself, ” I forgive
myself. I am forgiven, I am loved, and I am now whole.”
I ran into my younger self today…and found God.