God, if you are out there, I have been chasing destiny across time.
I crashed into that destiny at the speed of light, at the intersection of
suffering and free will.
With broken wings, my crestfallen soul waited for a reprieve; the
reprieve never came.
I crawled through the shadows of sin, seeking Your shelter from the
tempest; why have you not come for me?
I lay here, my humanity stolen from me.
Is this it? Mine is the mortality of a martyr? Or is this where the angel
is? Is this where your creation is born?
-Marcia

Dear Marcia
By Marcia Harrison
You beautiful little girl, if only you could see yourself the way my heart sees you.
Beautiful soul, you are not ordinary, you have been given the heart of a lion because you have
been chosen. Brave soul, within you is a light that will attract both good and evil. One day, you
will finally embrace that light and use it help others find their voice. But before your destiny
unfolds, fearless soul, your journey, beginning at a tender age, will take you through darkness
that is unparalleled. Your sweet, sensitive and empathetic spirit will suffer significantly. You
will endure experiences that will bring you to isolation, terror and abandonment. People will
come in and out of your journey, they will repeatedly rape you and steal your innocence.
Some of these people will be family, some will be friends, some will be strangers who found
the perfect opportunity. These experiences will leave you feeling betrayed and broken by the
parents that were supposed to protect you, the friends that manipulated you and the
strangers that preyed on you. By the age of 13, you will be drowning your sorrows in alcohol
or carrying out self-mutilation with sharp objects like broken glass; sometimes to numb the
pain of sexual abuse, sometimes to punish yourself because the world you know has already
convinced you that you are not worthy of love and protection. Somehow, through an
unnoticed miracle, you will keep floating through life, confused and anxious, lacking basic
skills to function as a healthy human being.

 In your twenties, you will be groomed and recruited into a life that will make you feel
like you have power over your abusers because now you have turned the tables; your body,
your rules, you name the price because now you know your worth.
Except, you are going to lose control of every ounce of your existence. You don’t know
it yet, but your battles are taking a toll on your body; you will be diagnosed with conditions
such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, clinical depression, insomnia, and body dysmorphic
disorder to name a few. From the world’s perspective, that translates to be an overpriced
whore, a cheap slut, too ugly to love, and too stupid to save.
You are going to get angry because now you realize you are an outsider in a world that
always seems to be against you no matter how hard you try to change your path. All the
mornings you spent waking up and asking God to help you survive the day moment-tomoment and then by nighttime you were asking God why he didn’t kill you already; so, you
will take it upon yourself to finish the life you never wanted. You will be unsuccessful at this
attempt and eventually be grateful but only for a short time.
Magnificent soul, you are breathing a sigh of relief because you have weathered the
storm, but your darkest days are still to come. In your thirties, your perpetrators who operate
as the fictitious gatekeepers of all things Godly will come into your life with false promises of
love and affection. I don’t blame you for letting them in, you have been on this journey alone
and I know how tired and weary you are. You have never experienced love before. It feels
warm like the sun and sweet like honey. It feeds the one craving you have longed for, even
more than love, it feels like you are finally safe.
But it was not love. He was another one of your perpetrators. Those perpetrators will
first rape you of your dignity, then torture you until you surrender. What is left of your flesh
will be devoured to feed their sexual appetite. When they run out of means to bring physical
violence against you, they will force the most sadistic forms of psychological affliction on
you. Without fear, mercy or consequence, they will end the lives of two souls that will forever
change you and leave a scar on your heart so profound that nothing will be able to heal it, not
even love.

 A day will come when you will find a hole in the darkness to reach the outside world
for help, but they will all leave you for dead; your friends, your classmates, your family,
strangers, the social and welfare institutions, and the law enforcing bodies that had you on
their radar but instead labeled you as crazy and said you were not worth the fight or simply,
you were the punchline of their every joke.
Valiant soul, don’t you know, you have the heart of a lion. In combat, the lion always
gives a 120%. But this fight isn’t about winning or losing, it is about life or death. It is the
rebellious and free spirit that can look death in the eyes and still make a last appeal to want
to die standing. Get up…. stand up and fight. No one is coming to help you, Little One. You
have to fight, even if they kill you. I know you feel abandoned by everyone, including God. But
He is the only one in your corner, He is still seated on the throne, and He knows you can’t see
the light that is within you. So he has been working quietly and finding another way for
you….you have seen it before, it looks like a bridge, I know you can’t see where it ends,
because the darkness is so great and the bridge must span so far. But you will have faith, and
you will keep fighting to get across that bridge. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the fears
and the shame they gave you. That is their cross to bear, not yours.
Throughout your journey, God will send angels disguised as humans to help you; the
first transformation of your life will come when you work with a military officer who is a JAG
prosecutor and he will change the entire trajectory of your life with three words: “I believe
you.” But, he will also have to be the one to tell you one day, that your voice will not be heard.
Keep fighting, keep going courageous soul. In the year 2020 when we will finally unite, I will
be on level 42, or as the rest of the world says, 42 years old. A couple of things will have
remained constant on your journey: God never left your side, even though you felt like your
mother abandoned you, she will be your fiercest prayer warrior, your faith will be unwavering,
you will still love cars and unfortunately you still won’t be driving a Lexus IS to work, or the
Audi Q3 on the weekends around town, the closest you will come to a Maserati for your
Saturday Ladies who Lunch or your 911 for your Sunday Funday drives will be the pictures on
your office wall, but keep the faith, you have no idea what good things are coming your way.

 And the talk show you thought you were going to host, it is only inside your head because
Ellen DeGeneres and Jimmy Fallon beat you to it. As for the other important things for your
soul, you will come to work for an incredible agency; your managing supervisors are going to
be phenomenal and supportive, your coworkers are going to be your cheerleaders, and some
are going to become trusted friends. Your coming out as a survivor story is going to be
nothing short of exactly who you are, intelligent, bright, beautiful, larger than life and ready
to fight.
I never told you and I’m sorry. I am so sorry sweet soul. I believe in you and I love you.
Even I tried to end your life; then I abandoned you. Please forgive me. From this day forward,
I will always love you, even if no one else will. I know you are hurting, I know that no one
understands what you have endured, and I also know you don’t trust anyone. You walk around
smiling and twirling; that’s all you let the world see. The walls around your heart are
impenetrable. But today, the light will prevail. I will spread my wings, scale those walls, and I
will save you. I will be the one to guard your heart and nurture your soul. Take my hand Little
One. Together we will stand against the darkness. I will set us both free.
Divine soul, I know you have felt defeated for most of your life. But God has been
counting your tears. He will give purpose to your story, so you can use the empathy you have
learned and empower others to have a voice and find their purpose.
To my family, we have caused one another so much pain, dad lost his fight and left us
to be with God. But I know he is proud of us for breaking the cycle of violence in our family. I
am humbled and so grateful that, even though it isn’t perfect, we are on the path to
forgiveness and healing our relationships. To my mother, it’s so hard to say it sometimes, to
call you mom, I’m sorry I harbored so much anger against you and dad. I know you were
fighting to stay afloat in your own battles. Thank you for not giving up on me. I love you, mom.
To my friends, I have only recently come to meet you and break bread with you. You
are the most incredible, supportive, inspiring and accepting humans. I am so thankful to have
you on my journey; thank you for showing me what healthy relationships look and feel like,

 and for being so sweet to laugh at my jokes (even when they are not funny, which is most of
the time since I can’t ever get the punchline right).
To my perpetrators, I will no longer carry the responsibility of the horrific crimes you
committed against me. I will not be burdened by your shame. I am here to tell you that what
you thought was an act of conditioning in response to your cruelty was merely a submission
of my faith to my Father in Heaven, who was preparing me for my destiny. Today, I will answer
my calling to stand against injustice. And because my faith is greater than my fears, I can say
to you that I forgive you. I forgive you for raping me, I forgive you for stealing my innocence.
I forgive you for the violence you brought against me. I forgive you for holding me captive in
your darkness. Today, I stand free.
I am proud of you. I love you little one.
Love,
Marcia